


What Could Have Been

by TwelveTimes12



Category: Krashlyn - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-16 17:07:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 33,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5833657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwelveTimes12/pseuds/TwelveTimes12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ya'll are so mad at Ali...</p><p>I love your passion, but remember things aren't always as they seem.</p></blockquote>





	1. Lose Everything

Ashlyn was numb. 

She stood outside the hotel where the US National Team was staying, with her hands stuffed deep into her coat pockets and a scarf wrapped around her face. It wasn’t the harsh, cold air that took the feeling from her, it was the beautiful brunette she had fallen in love with.

“Ash...”

Ashlyn didn’t hear her best friend’s voice from behind her. It took Ali jerking her arm to pull her out of the daze.

“Are you crazy?” Ali asked. “It’s freezing out here.” Ali dragged her by the arm back inside and found a chair for her friend to sit in. “What’s going on with you?”

It was a fair question. Ali and Ashlyn had spent all day together. They had a great day. Both would agree that it was the best day they had had in a long time. It wasn’t until the end of the day that something seemed to change.

Ashlyn answered with the first lie she could think of. “Um, I was feeling hot.”

Ali always knew her best friend was a little crazy. She loved her for that. But this was another level of crazy.

“Ash, you hate the cold.” Ali stated matter of factly.

Ashlyn was beginning to come back to reality. She had come up with a better lie in the few moments it took Ali to reply. “I think I’m sick.”

Ali’s tone changed from sarcastic questioning to honest concern. “Oh no.” She stretched her hand out and met Ashlyn’s forehead with her palm. “I can’t tell if you have a fever. Your skin is ice cold.”

She helped Ashlyn up and insisted that she go to bed. 

...

Ashlyn groaned when she heard a knock at the door. She pulled the hotel comforter over her head and tried to block out the world. She felt someone tug on the blanket that had become her forcefield to protect her from reality. Ashlyn knew that if she put up any sort of a fight, she wouldn’t be able to pretend she was still asleep.

Whitney peeled the protective covering from Ash and asked, “Are you sick? Ali said you’re sick.”

With Whitney standing over Ashlyn, Ash rolled toward her friend, smashed her face into Whit’s thigh and with a muffled voice said, “She’s engaged.”

...

That day was an off day for the team. Whitney told Ash she would go along with her lie about being sick until the following day when Ashlyn would have a “miraculous” recovery and return to practice.

Whitney also promised to stay with her all day, knowing that Ali would probably do the same. Ashlyn begged her to be by her side to help diffuse any awkward situation, or any opportunity for Ali to find out the truth.

Ashlyn’s heart was broken.

...

It wasn’t the first time. For years all the two ever had was a friendship. Ali had fallen in love with someone she described as a wonderful, kind, and talented man. There was no reason for Ashlyn to try to break the two up. She decided that it would be for only selfish reasons to declare her feelings to her best friend. Ashlyn swallowed them up, and never said a word. 

As time passed, and Ali and her boyfriend became more and more serious, Ashlyn felt her pain increase to measures unbearable. 

“I can’t live like this, Whit.” Ash groaned. She felt sick. It wasn’t a convenient lie anymore. The pain of hopelessness rested heavy on her chest and it made her want to stay in bed all day. 

Whitney had heard it all before. She knew the extent of her friend’s feelings, but she had never seen her look so depressed. 

“Ash, you either need to talk to her, or let her go. You can’t keep putting yourself through this.” Whit replied. 

Ashlyn sighed heavily and said, “It’s not that simple. Nothing will ever be the same. And it’s not like it would even matter. She’s with someone. She loves him enough to want to marry him. How could I want to break up something that makes her happy? All it would do is make her hate me. I can’t lose her.”

“Ash, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.” Whitney said. She reached for her friend’s hand and asked, “Is it worth it? You can’t eat. Can’t sleep. You’re depressed. The more you hang out with her, the worse you feel. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but is SHE worth this? I think you need to move on. Maybe friendship with her isn’t an option for you.”

“Friendship is the ONLY option.” Ash replied. “I would rather live in constant pain and have her in my life than be without her.”

Whitney wanted to grab Ash and shake some sense into her friend. Ali could never love her the way she wanted. But Ash couldn’t ever see a life without her. 

Whit felt her friend was setting herself up for endless heartbreak.

...

The first time Ali stopped by Ashlyn’s room to visit her, Whitney said she was asleep. The second time, she said the same thing, but Ali wasn’t going anywhere. She brought her laptop and said that she would stay with Ash and watch movies. Whit wanted to leave, but Ashlyn had previously begged her to stay. While Ashlyn pretended to sleep, Whitney and Ali quietly conversed.

“She’s really sick.” Ali said, as she nodded toward the blanket-covered lump that was Ashlyn. The blonde goalkeeper made sure her entire body was beneath the hotel comforter.

Whitney wanted to be honest with Ali. She knew that Ali loved Ashlyn, at least as a friend, and wouldn’t want her to hide herself from her. 

Instead of telling the truth, Whitney chose to change the subject. “So, what’s new with you?” The moment she asked, she hated herself. Ashlyn had already told her what was new with Ali, and it was the reason she was so upset.

“Well...” Ali said. “I don’t know if Ash told you, but I’m engaged.” Ali noticed Whitney’s eyes look toward her finger to where a ring should be. “He gave me a beautiful diamond, but I didn’t want to wear it until I told Ash. I guess, I forgot to put it on after she got sick.”

Whitney tilted her head and tried not to narrow her eyes too much as she considered Ali’s words. She felt that Ali’s answer was a little strange for someone who only had platonic feelings for Ashlyn. Why would it matter if people saw the ring before Ash knew? And how could a newly engaged person forget to wear their ring?

“How did he propose?” Whit asked. She knew that Ash would hate her for asking, but she had her reasons.

“He sent me a text message with a picture of the ring. He was waiting outside of the door to my dorm room.”

Ashlyn rolled her eyes from underneath the blanket.

“Oh.” Whitney said, trying not to sound too unimpressed.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Ali replied. “He’s not one for grand gestures. He’s simple...and sweet. He said he was too nervous and excited to try to plan something, or wait any longer.”

Ashlyn wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that Ali deserved better, but all she could do was listen and wish that it was her that had given her a ring.

“What do you love the most about him?” Whitney asked. She knew that her methods could backfire, but she really wanted to know what was going on inside of the brunette’s head.

“Umm...” Ali hummed. She scratched her head and said, “I don’t know. He’s a good guy. He’s hot.”

The lack of excitement in Ali’s voice was staggering. She was talking about her fiancé and she sounded like she was discussing her favorite brand of toilet paper.

“Ya know, I’ve got things handled here. You don’t have to hang out with us.” Whitney said. 

Ashlyn hoped that Ali would take their teammate’s invitation to leave.

“No. I can’t go. I wanna see her when she wakes up.” Ali said and patted Ashlyn’s thigh. “I’m worried about her. Last night she didn’t seem like herself.”

Whitney really wanted to tell Ali the reason for Ashlyn’s behavior, but it wasn’t her secret to tell.

...

“I can’t believe you pretended to sleep that whole time.” Whit whispered harshly to Ashlyn. The two were sharing an elevator as they made their way to a team dinner.

“It wasn’t easy.” Ash replied. “I got a cramp in my leg, but couldn’t move it. I didn’t want Al to think I was waking up.”

“Ash, you need to talk to her.”

“Not about that.” Ash replied without hesitation. She knew what Whit wanted her to share with Ali...and it simply wasn’t going to happen.

“Ashlyn, you heard her. Mister Fiancé doesn’t seem that great. Maybe there is a chance for you two, after all.”

Ashlyn responded as if she was angry, which caught Whit off guard. “Don’t say that! I’m barely hanging on by a thread and you think it’s a good idea for me to put myself in an even more desperate situation?” 

“You’ll never know unless you say something. Maybe if you tell her about your feelings it would make a difference.” Whitney said.

Ash answered, “The only difference that it would make is that I would lose my best friend. I could lose everything.”


	2. Promise

The phone call came on a Sunday morning. Ashlyn was planning on sleeping in that day, but her best friend’s ringtone changed her day’s schedule. 

“I wanted to ask you a huge favor.” Ali said as soon as Ash picked up. “You don’t have to say yes, but if you say no I might die.”

Ashlyn cleared her throat and tried to wake up. 

Ali laughed, “Did I wake you? Ash, it’s almost noon.”

“I was up late.” Ashlyn whined. 

Ali smiled into her phone and said, “You are too funny. 

“Hilarious.” Ash replied sarcastically.

“Any...ways...” Ali said slowly. “I was wanting to ask you an important question, but maybe I should call back when you’re more awake and in a better mood.”

“It’s fine. What’s up, Alex?”

“Well, I was wondering if you would do me the honor of being my maid of honor.” Ali said. She didn’t know why, but she was anxious that Ash might decline.

Ashlyn’s mind went blank. She was in complete shock. She was way too tired to formulate any kind of gracious, or fabricated response.

“Ash?” Ali said after an awkwardly long amount of silence.

“Umm..yeah?” Ash replied.

Ali’s breath caught in her throat when she asked, “Did you hear what I said?” Ali knew that she had heard, but didn’t understand what was happening.

“Yeah, uh...yes.”

“Yes you heard, or yes you’ll be my maid of honor?”

“Yes, I heard...” Ash’s response lingered a little longer than Ali would’ve liked, but eventually she finished her sentence. “...and yes I’ll be your maid of honor.”

...

 

“You’re an idiot.” Whitney said, in as loving a way as something like that can be said.

Ash sighed and agreed. “I know.”

“Were you even planning on going to the wedding?” Whitney asked. She knew it would be nothing but torture for her friend.

Ashlyn sighed loudly again and answered, “I don’t know. I guess I was sorta hoping she wouldn’t invite me...or that I would die before the ceremony.” Ash smiled when she added, “There’s still hope I might die.”

Whit rolled her eyes, but was filled with compassion when she saw the look of sorrow on her friend’s face. “Ash, I’m sorry. But you need to either tell her the truth, or let her go. I know I sound like a broken record, but you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“I don’t want to disappoint her.” 

“I get that.” Whitney replied. “But you can’t keep dismissing your own feelings just to please her. She doesn’t realize how much it hurts you.”

“Maybe after they’re married I’ll be able to get some closure, or something. Right now, I can’t move on.” Ash replied. She finished by sounding like a small child in need of a parent’s forgiveness. “I’m sorry, Whit.”

“Don’t apologize to me.” Whitney replied. “You’re the one that’s hurting.”

...

Ali continued to plan her wedding. She would occasionally send pictures of frilly, girly dresses to her maid of honor just to make her squirm. What she didn’t know was that the dress was the least of Ashlyn’s concerns.

It was a reply to one of the pictures that caused Ali to drop everything and go to Ashlyn.

“How is she?” Ali asked. She couldn’t make it to North Carolina until after Ashlyn’s surgery on her ACL. 

Whitney was holding Ash’s phone for her when Ali texted the picture of a puffy, pink dress. Whit replied with the news of Ashlyn’s surgery.

“She’s out of surgery, but they haven’t released her to her room yet.” Whitney answered.

Ali shook her head and said, “I didn’t even know she had gotten hurt. Why didn’t she tell me?”

Whitney was not at liberty to say that Ash didn’t want to see Ali...so she told a half-truth. “She didn’t want to bother you.”

“Bother me?” Ali said. “She could never bother me.” Ali’s attention left Whitney as she muttered sadly to herself, “I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.”

From the time that Ali got there to the time Ashlyn was brought into her hospital room, was about twenty minutes. Ali had gone quiet for most of the wait. She was thinking about how her best friend kept a big secret from her. Whitney was glad for the awkward silence. It was better than any awkward talking that could have taken place between the two.

At first, Ash was really out of it. Ali and Whitney quietly sat waiting for her to wake up. It was a few minutes after Whitney left to make a phone call that Ashlyn finally did wake up. 

Ali was looking down at her lap. She twisted and fidgeted her fingers nervously. She didn’t know what to expect from her trip. A few hours ago she was at Penn State searching on the internet for ugly bridesmaid dresses.

It was Ashlyn’s voice that pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Alex?” Ash said in a rough and quiet voice.

Ali jumped up from her chair and met Ash at the side of her bed. She wanted to cry. Ashlyn looked so small. There was no smile covering what Ash had tried to hide for so long. She was completely open and vulnerable and Ali couldn’t deny that her best friend looked horrible. 

“What are you doing here?” Ash asked. She reached down towards her injured leg. She felt like she was moving in slow motion. 

“Whitney told me you got hurt.” Ali answered. She forced a smile and asked, “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know.” Ash replied. “When did you get here, Alex?”

Ali straightened up the blanket covering Ashlyn and answered, “Not too long ago.”

Ali didn’t know what to say. Her best friend was hurting and she wasn’t sure if it was just the injury that was causing it. 

“Where’s Whit?”

Whitney had become like a safety net for Ashlyn. In some ways she had replaced Ali as a best friend.

“She had to make a phone call.” Ali answered. Ashlyn nodded and closed her tired eyes. Ali carefully sat on the edge of the side of the hospital bed and asked, “Ash, are you ok?” She gently caressed the blonde’s cheek while she waited for an answer.

Ashlyn smiled before falling back to sleep. Before she lost consciousness, there was a brief moment where Ali’s loving touch temporarily took away all the hurt that she had been carrying.

...

“Don’t you have classes to go to?” Ash asked. Ali had taken it upon herself to be Ashlyn’s personal nurse. After three days of Ali’s presence, Ash questioned her.

Ali finished organizing Ashlyn’s closet before answering. “I’m ahead in all my classes.”

“Alex, I think it’s ridiculous for you to be missing classes because of me.” Ash replied. She gingerly adjusted her position to get a better view of the brunette who had stolen her heart and gone above and beyond the expectations of someone who’s ‘just a friend.’

Ali poked her head out toward Ash and said, “I told you I’m ahead in all my classes. It’s no big deal.”

Ashlyn laughed when she replied, “Alex, it’s time for you to come out of the closet and get serious.”

Ali faked a laugh and threw a UNC hoodie at Ashlyn. 

When Ali was satisfied with her work she sat down next to Ash on her small, dorm room bed. 

“You’re so hilarious.” Ali said sarcastically. She rested her head on her best friend’s shoulder and closed her eyes. “I’m tired. Stop talking, so I can take a nap.” 

Ashlyn shook her head. It was as if her point about Ali going to school was never heard. If it was anyone else, she would have continued to argue. 

But it was Ali.

And Ali was different.

...

“Will you be my date to the wedding?” Ash asked. It had been months since she last saw Ali and all she could think about was the day when she would have to watch her walk down the aisle. 

Whitney rolled her eyes before answering. “Going to a wedding and acting as a buffer for you isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. I can’t protect you from reality forever, Ash.”

“But you’re gonna go with me, right?” Ash asked.

Whit sighed loudly and answered, “Yeah, whatever.”

...

Ali’s wedding was scheduled a month after her graduation. Ashlyn was on the mend and no longer needed crutches. Though Ali had tried to freak Ash out about wearing a puffy pink dress, she let her wear a suit with a tie that matched the rest of the bridesmaid’s dresses.

Ashlyn told herself she had waited too long. It was too late, she thought. Ali noticed that there was something bothering her best friend. The bridal party was gathered in a large room of a church getting ready for the ceremony. Ash was the first to finish getting ready. She sat alone in a chair in a corner. The bride watched her friend from the mirror she was using to keep tabs on what her brother Kyle was doing to her hair.

Ash assumed that since Ali’s back was towards her that she could let her guard down for just a moment. But Ali saw everything. She saw Ash wipe a tear from her eye. She watched as she nervously bounced her leg up and down, while zoning out on something too far away for Ali to guess. 

After Kyle finished Ali’s hair, she asked to speak to her best friend alone. The two women left the room and found an empty hallway to talk.

“Ash, are you ok?” Ali asked. 

Ashlyn thought Ali looked beautiful. Instead of answering Ali’s question, she got lost in the golden flecks of light in Ali’s brown eyes. 

“Um...Ash? Seriously...are you ok?” Ali asked again. 

Ashlyn felt a heat fill her cheeks. She was embarrassed beyond words. She thought for sure her best friend had figured out that she was completely in love with her. 

“I..uh..I..umm...” Ash stuttered. “I’m fine.”

“Ash, you look sick. Do you need some water, or something?”

Ashlyn shook her head ‘no’ and turned around. She couldn’t bare to look at the golden-brown eyes that she knew could see straight through her. Ashlyn took a breath and said what she had to say. 

“Alex, are you sure you want to marry him?”

Ali was not expecting that question. She answered defensively, “Of course!” 

“Are you sure he can make you happy?” Ashlyn asked.

Ali grabbed Ash’s shoulder and spun her around. She wasn’t going to continue to have a conversation with the back of Ashlyn’s head.

“Where is this coming from?” Ali asked. “Who told you to say that?”

Ashlyn answered honestly, “No one told me. I just want you to be happy.”

“Do you think breaking up my wedding thirty minutes before the ceremony is the way to do that?” Ali asked in anger.

Ashlyn wanted to kick herself. She should never had said anything. “Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just want you to be happy.”

The same eyes that Ash had gotten lost in just moments ago, were now filled with tears. 

“And now I have to do my makeup again!” Ali replied in anger as she wiped at her eyes. She pushed Ashlyn to the side and made her way back to the bridesmaid’s dressing room.

It wasn’t until the bridal party lined up to walk down the aisle to meet the groomsmen at the front of the church sanctuary, that Ashlyn had another chance to talk to Ali. 

“Alex...” Ash whispered. She leaned in close to Ali. “I just want to say that I think you’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen...and also...I’m really sorry about earlier. I support you in whatever you do. You know that.”

Ali nodded that she did know that Ash would always support her. “I just don’t want things to change between us. Promise me, Ashlyn. Promise me that nothing will change between us...No matter what!”

“I promise.” Ash replied.

What neither of the women knew, was that their promise was one that could never be kept.


	3. Regret

Three months after Ali’s wedding, she was reunited with her best friend at a national team camp. The two women hadn’t spoken much since the wedding reception. Ali was anxious to talk to Ash about something that was weighing heavy on her mind.

“How’s the knee?” Ali asked. 

Ashlyn was 6 months out from her ACL surgery. She was almost back to 100%. The trainers were being overly cautious with her as they evaluated her progress. All Ash wanted was to play, but the team staff had other plans.

“It’s fine. I wish people would believe me and let me train.” Ashlyn answered. 

“They just want what’s best for you, Ash.” Ali replied. She was all for protecting her friend from further injury.

Ashlyn rolled her eyes and said, “They’re sucking the life out of me. I was ready to show them how far I’ve come, but they won’t even give me a chance. I need to make a big impression if I’m gonna have a chance to make the roster.” Ash was annoyed, but it occurred to her that maybe she was taking it out on Ali. She changed her tone and joked, “I can’t let you have all the fun at Algarve without me.”

Ali took in a sharp breath and slowly released it. Ashlyn was expecting her to laugh or come back with a sarcastic comment, but instead she was met with a response that resembled apprehension, or maybe even dread.

When Ali didn’t give an explanation for her strange reaction, Ash changed the subject.

“So, how’s married life? Still in the honeymoon phase?”

Ali’s lips curled into a small smile as she answered, “It’s been pretty good, I guess.” She gave her friend a pointed look and added, “But I miss you like crazy!” 

Ali had tried to call Ash every day, but after Ash only occasionally returned her calls, she stopped. 

“Yeah...uh...sorry about that.” Ash apologized. “Rehab and training have kind of taken up all my time.”

Ashlyn was certainly busy with her recovery, but that wasn’t the reason she hadn’t tried harder to keep in touch. Ash was desperately trying to take Whitney’s advice to let Ali go.

“It’s not like we have to talk for hours, Ash.” Ali said. “I really miss you. It makes me sad to think that you don’t think of me, or miss me too.”

What was Ashlyn supposed to say to that? 

“Alex, of course I missed you. I’ve just been busy. I’m sorry. I’ll do a better job of calling you. I never meant to make you sad.” Ash replied.

It really didn’t matter what was best for Ashlyn. Ali always had a way of working her way into Ashlyn’s heart. Ash crushed her friend in a hug and said, “I’m really sorry. I promise, I’ll do better.”

Ali breathed in deep and took in the scent of her best friend. “Ash, I’ve missed you so much!” Ali was getting emotional and every bit of her heart could be heard in the shake in her voice. “We shouldn’t have to be at a camp to talk to each other.”

Ashlyn held her best friend close and apologized over and over again for not being a better friend.

...

“You’re hopeless.” Whitney said. She threw a sweaty towel at Ash and waited for an explanation of what she had just witnessed.

“What?” Ash asked, acting like she didn’t know what her friend was talking about.

“Why are you hugging Ali for an uncomfortably long time?” Whitney clarified.

Whit had kept a watchful eye on Ash and Ali while they talked and then embraced. What she saw wasn’t a normal, friendly hug. It seemed like much more. She wanted to scream at Ashlyn and tell her to come to her senses. 

Ashlyn didn’t try to hide from Whitney. “It didn’t feel uncomfortable to me.” She answered. “It felt nice.”

Whitney let out a frustrated sigh and said, “You’re going backwards. You were just starting to be able to go to sleep without thinking about her.”

“I still think about her.” Ash corrected. 

Whitney argued, “At least you stopped crying about it.” Whit was annoyed, disappointed, and a little angry, but most of all she was concerned for her friend’s well-being. “Ash, you can’t go down this road again. She’s married. And from what I’ve heard, she’s happy. This story doesn’t have a happy ending for you. It’s time to start a new one.”

“That was deep.” Ash replied. She shook her head sadly and asked, “But what if it doesn’t matter? What if there will never be a happy ending for me? What if Ali is my story? And that’s it?”

“Ash, someone like you deserves a happy ending. You’re gonna get it. I know you will! But you’re not going to get it if you keep chasing after a woman who doesn’t feel the same way.”

 

...

 

It was the last day of camp. That morning Ash waited outside her best friend’s hotel room door. When Ali opened it, Ash asked, “You ready?”

“For coffee with my bestest friend?” Ali asked. She answered herself and exclaimed, “You know it!”

Ash smiled and couldn’t keep the red from filling her cheeks. Ali’s excitement was cute and it made Ashlyn feel special.

Once the women found a small coffee shop and had picked up their orders, they walked around the city and talked. Both felt as if nothing had changed between them. Ali looped her arm with Ashlyn’s and they talked about some of their favorite camp memories together. 

Their laughter filled the streets that morning.

Unfortunately the laughter eventually had to stop.

Ali still had something she needed to tell her best friend. She knew Ashlyn wouldn’t be happy about what she had to say. As they got closer to the hotel, she knew that her time was running out. 

Ali took a deep breath and stopped.

With their arms still linked, Ashlyn was jerked back by the sudden halt of Ali’s movement.

“What?” Ash asked. She wondered if Ali had changed her mind about getting the ice cream that Ashlyn suggested earlier.

“I need to tell you something.” Ali answered.

Ashlyn stayed quiet. For some reason she knew that what she was about to hear wasn’t going to be good.

“This is my last camp.” Ali said. She wanted to ease into the subject, but she was afraid she would chicken out if she did.

“What?!” Ash asked. She felt a burning in her chest.

“I’m married now. I can’t be playing games. It’s not fair to my husband.”

“Alex, there are a lot of players who keep playing after they get married. That’s a bullshit excuse.”

“It’s not an excuse!” Ali defended. “It’s what’s best!”

“Best for who?” Ash asked in anger. “You’ve worked for this your whole life. The World Cup is right around the corner and you’re practically a lock for the roster. Are you really going to throw everything away?”

Ali’s own anger began to rise, “I’m not throwing anything away! I’m making a decision that’s best for me and my husband. You’re supposed to be supportive.”

“So...are you really happy about leaving the national team? Is club ball enough for you?” Ash asked with a bite in her tone.

Ashlyn was expecting Ali to bite back, but she was met with silence and a look of guilt on her friend’s face.

“What?” Ash asked, knowing that there must be more.

With Ali’s eyes fixed on her shoes, unwilling to look Ash in the eyes, she said, “I’m not going to be playing soccer at all anymore.”

“You’re retiring?” Ash asked. 

“Yeah. We think it would be best.” Ali answered, referring to her and her husband.

Ashlyn pulled her arm away from Ali’s grasp and walked away. She was afraid that if she stayed, she would say something that she would regret forever.

...

After a short time apart and a final team meeting, Ashlyn asked to speak to Ali. The request sounded way too formal for two people who claimed to be close friends. Ali followed Ash to an empty area in the conference room that the team had gathered in. 

“Ash, I know you’re mad.” Ali whispered. “I’m sorry I disappointed you.” Ali had been doing some thinking of her own. She hated that she felt she had to make the decision to retire.

Ashlyn put her finger to Ali’s lips, as if to tell her to let her speak. 

“Alex, I need to say something to you.” Ashlyn said. “I know that it may not matter, but I also know that I will regret not being honest with you.” 

“Ok...” Ali said with nervous hesitation.

“This isn’t really what you want. You’ve worked too hard to give up now. I know that it might be complicated, but you deserve this. You deserve to see your hard work rewarded. I’m sorry if what I’m saying is upsetting you, but I care too much about you not to say something...”

Ash wanted to say more. She wanted to say that Ali never should have gotten married. Ashlyn wanted to say that she loved her and would never ask her to choose between her and her dream.

But...of course...Ashlyn didn’t say that.

“You don’t understand!” Ali yelled. The few people who were left in the room gave their attention to the arguing teammates. 

Ashlyn tried calming Ali down by putting her hand on her arm, but Ali pulled away from her touch.

Ali angrily whispered, “You have no idea what it means to be in an important and serious relationship. You have no idea...How can you even think that you can tell me what’s best for me and my husband? You’ve never loved anyone before. You’re content with spending your life alone. And that’s fine for you. But not everyone is as comfortable with not having anyone as you are.”

Ali’s words weren’t meant to sting as much as they did. Ashlyn felt a lump rise in her throat and knew that if she didn’t make a move, she would fall apart in front of Ali and the rest of the people in the room.

Ash nodded as if she understood and maybe even agreed with what Ali was saying. She dared not blink, in fear of the tears that were welling up might find their way down her cheeks. 

Ali wasn’t blind to the affect her words had on her best friend. Ashlyn’s obvious pain, caused her a pain of her own. They were less than a foot apart, but the distance between them felt to increase by the second. Ali wondered if she would ever be able to cross the chasm that her decision and words had created.

“Ash, I’m sorry.” Ali said quietly. “I didn’t mean...I mean I...”

Ashlyn found her words. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve and said, “Don’t worry about it. Have a good life, Alex.”

Ashlyn walked away, leaving Ali wondering if they would ever see or speak to each other again.


	4. Love & Chopsticks

Ashlyn wore a pair of board shorts, a tank top, and flip flops as she skipped every other step up the outdoor stairs to get to her 3rd floor apartment. She carried two bags full of Chinese food, fortune cookies, and chopsticks. When she opened the door to her apartment in New York she was greeted by a person that she hadn’t spoken to for almost a year.

“Alex?” Ash said in complete surprise.

Ali was drinking a cup of coffee with the girl that Ashlyn was sleeping with. 

“Hey, Ash.” Ali said, with a calm and controlled tone. She wanted to spring from her seat an envelop her best friend in a hug, but she didn’t want to scare her off. 

Ali had attempted to call Ashlyn hundreds of times since their fight at their last national team camp together, but Ash never picked up. Ali then resorted to sending letters and flowers through mail, but again...Ashlyn never replied. When Ash was drafted by the New York Flash, she changed her phone number and never forwarded her new address to Ali. She thought that she was finally in the clear from ever hearing from Ali again.

Ali explained, “HAO gave me your address.”

“I’m gonna kill HAO.” Ash muttered under her breath. Ashlyn took a deep breath and said, “I see you’ve met my girlfriend, Chloe.” Ash set their take out dinner on the table and greeted the woman with short blonde hair with a passionate kiss.

Ali turned her head away from the affection and felt an unfamiliar pain in her chest.

Chloe was startled by Ashlyn’s greeting. She eyed the goalkeeper suspiciously as the two former friends continued their conversation.

“Why are you here?” Ash asked, sounding annoyed by Ali’s presence. 

Ali took a calming breath and answered, “I messed up. I wanted to apologize to you in person.” She felt a wave of sadness roll through her, before she added, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

Chloe loudly cleared her throat and said, “Maybe I should go.” She didn’t want to get in the middle of a private and awkward conversation.

“No.” Ash replied. “Alex is the one who needs to leave.”

Ali shouldn’t have been surprised by Ashlyn’s words, but she was. She felt that even though things had been bad between the two, they still had a deeper connection than most people would ever experience. She assumed that Ash would at least give her a chance if they ever saw each other again.

 

Ali looked up towards the door and shook her head, “Ash, we need to talk.”

“We have nothing to talk about, Alex.” Ashlyn said. She had maintained a stoic, unemotional tone and demeanor, but in reality, her heart was breaking. Ashlyn knew she was seconds away from falling apart.

It was Chloe’s voice that made Ashlyn crack. 

“Ali, if you need a place to hang out, Whitney lives 2 doors down.” The woman had spoken briefly with Ali while they waited for Ashlyn to return with dinner. What Ali had shared tipped her off that she had a friendship with Ashlyn’s close friend and teammate.

Ashlyn turned away from Chloe and Ali. A stranger was being kinder to Ali than she was. Her heart was breaking and she couldn’t continue her charade of hating the only woman she truly ever loved.

Ash heard Ali say quietly, “I’ll leave.” 

Ashlyn waited for the sound of the door closing before she turned around. 

“You love her.” Chloe said. There was no apprehension, or question in her statement. Ashlyn wasn’t usually easy to read, but suddenly things had become clear.

“No.” Ash replied. She quickly wiped a few tears away and sat down next to Chloe. She started to unbag the food that she had brought home.

“You called me your girlfriend.” Chloe said. “How many times have you told me that you want to keep things casual between us? How many times have I asked you to be my girlfriend and you told me that your heart isn’t available for anything more than a fun, no strings attached non-relationship? You actually said NON-relationship. You said you didn’t want me to get the wrong idea.”

Ashlyn pulled apart her chopsticks and pretended as if everything was fine. She acted as if she didn’t owe her casual, hook up an explanation.

Chloe continued, “Now that she’s here...” She gestured toward the door that Ali had just walked out. “You want to make things official. Is that accurate? Or are you using me for more than just sex now?”

Ashlyn did not like the words that Chloe said. She hated it even more, because they were true.

“I’m sorry. I still don’t want a real relationship with you. I was trying to hurt Ali.” Ash replied.

“She’s the reason your heart isn’t available. Right?”

“Yes.”

“I think I should go.” Chloe said. She stood from the table and added, “If you come across any of my stuff we can work out a time for me to come get it.” With her hand on the door she turned back and said, “This is over.”

Due to shock and heartbreak, Ash waited too long to follow her out. When she opened the door to see if she still had a chance to catch her she saw a beautiful brunette sitting at the top of the stairs, crying.

“Alex...” Ash said. Ali looked as if she was in complete despair.

“Whit isn’t home.” Ali replied with a sniffle.

“You should come inside.” Ash said, without hesitation. Her heart took over for her brain, and she was completely helpless.

Ali looked up and sincerely asked, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I have too much food for just one person. We might as well share it.”

Ali felt as if maybe things were starting to look up for her. She let a small smile creep onto her face, which scared Ashlyn, but it also brought her a joy that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

Ash held the door open for Ali, and even pulled out her chair for her as she took a seat at the table. She set out a plate for the two of them and searched the fridge for something to drink.

“Wanna beer?” Ash asked. 

“No, thanks. I’ll just have water.”

Ash took a beer for herself and a bottle of water for her guest. Without another word, Ashlyn loaded Ali’s plate with the food that she knew her best friend would choose for herself. Ali watched Ash’s careful hands take care of her meal needs. 

Ali missed having her best friend take care of her so well.

After the food was served, and Ali had started to eat, Ashlyn said, “I have a confession to make.”

Ali dropped the chow mein that she had between her chopsticks and gave Ash her full attention.

“Chloe isn’t my girlfriend.” Ash confessed. “She’s a girl that cares a lot about me, but I’ve tried to keep from getting too invested in her.” Ashlyn felt ashamed and added, “I’m a jerk.”

“Why did you introduce her as your girlfriend?” Ali asked.

Ashlyn took a deep breath. She was tired of lying. “Because I wanted to make you jealous. I wanted to hurt you.”

Ali didn’t know how to respond.

“Alex, I’m sorry.” Ashlyn apologized. “When I saw you, I felt like a huge failure. I felt...so lonely and unloved.”

Ashlyn’s head fell forward and her fingers quickly pressed hard against her eyes. She was desperate not to break in front of Ali. 

In the past, Ali would have not thought twice about squeezing the sadness out of her best friend with the tightest hug she had ever felt, but the past was long gone. The only thing Ali knew was that Ashlyn was so angry at her that she had ignored and avoided her for the last year. The mere fact that Ash had invited her to share dinner with her, was more kindness than she had experienced in a year.

Ali didn’t want to startle, or scare Ash back into hiding. She stayed in her seat and wished that Ash would stretch her arms out toward her.

But a request for comfort from Ashlyn never came.

“Ash...” Ali said softly. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. My words were harsh and more about my own insecurities than they were about you.” Ali had constantly thought about the words she had last spoken to Ashlyn a year ago. She was ashamed of treating someone she cared about so poorly. 

It took some time, but Ashlyn calmed herself down. Once she felt composed, she finished off her beer and grabbed another from the fridge. 

“You sure you don’t want one?” Ash asked. Alcohol had become her favorite food group over the last year. At this particular moment, it helped take the edge off.

“No, thank you.” Ali answered. She took a quick sip of her water before she asked, “Are you ok?”

“Honestly? No.” Ash said. “Chloe was a distraction. She was something I used to keep from feeling alone and unwanted.” 

Ashlyn chugged the bottle in her hand and went to a little cupboard above the refrigerator. She pulled out something stronger and filled a shot glass. She didn’t ask, but she gestured to Ali to ask if she wanted a shot of her own. Ali once again passed on the offer.

Ali watched as her friend dulled whatever pain she was feeling with the help of the strong alcoholic beverage. All she could feel for Ashlyn was overwhelming sadness.

Ali extended her hand when she saw Ash pour another shot after finishing three before that. Her fingertips grazed Ashlyn’s arm and caused the blonde to have goosebumps at her touch.  
 “Ash, maybe you should slow down a little.”

Ashlyn’s eyes were slightly glazed over when they met Ali’s sympathetic eyes.

Ali continued, “You don’t need that.” Ali took the half empty bottle from Ash and put the lid back on. She moved the shot glass away from her friend’s reach. 

Ashlyn closed her eyes tightly and pressed her forehead against the table. 

“I’m so embarrassed.” Ash said.

Ali rubbed Ashlyn’s back and replied, “You don’t need to be. Not because of me.”

“I’ve missed you so much.” Ashlyn said. The alcohol and sadness had overcome her pride and need to keep from spilling her innermost thoughts. She wouldn't normally be so vulnerable with the woman who broke her heart.

Ali knelt down next to Ash and pulled her into her arms. Ash rested her head on Ali’s chest and cried.

...

Ashlyn woke up in Ali’s arms. It was a surreal moment for the woman. She had dreamed of an alternate universe where her and Ali were together and there were no more tears and sadness. When her unconscious thoughts seemed to be confirmed by her conscious reality, she stiffened. 

Ali felt her best friend’s once relaxed muscles flinch and become tight. 

“It’s ok, Ash.” Ali whispered. “Relax.”

Ashlyn was afraid that she had done something terrible with her married friend. Her thoughts were fuzzy as she tried to remember what had led them to being in bed together.

“You’re safe.” Ali said. “It’s ok..."


	5. Safe

“Ash, it’s ok.” Ali said, trying to get her friend to relax.

Ashlyn sat up and pulled away from Ali’s embrace. She was relieved to see that both of them were fully dressed. But she had to make sure nothing happened.

“Why are we in bed together?” Ashlyn asked.

Ali didn’t think it was a big deal. “We’ve shared a bed hundreds of times. You were really out of it. When I suggested that you lay down, you asked me to sit with you. Nothing happened, Ash...I’m married.” She added defensively and sounded insulted. “I would never cheat on my husband.”

Ashlyn’s head was pounding and her stomach was doing gymnastic worthy somersaults. She was somewhat thankful that her pitiful condition interrupted the awkwardness of the situation. 

Ash couldn’t stay with Ali in bed any longer. She sprinted to the bathroom and began a cycle of throwing up and crying over the woman she thought she had gotten over.

...

Ali tried to comfort Ash while she was in the bathroom, but the blonde kicked her out and locked the door. Ali waited for her friend in the small kitchen of the apartment. When Ashlyn emerged from her bedroom, she had showered and changed. Ali did a quit sniff of her shirt that she was now wearing for the second day in a row.

Before Ash said a word she went to the refrigerator for a beer. 

“Ash, maybe you should have some coffee instead.” Ali suggested. “I made it just how you like it.”

Ashlyn lifted one side of the snapback that was covering her wet hair, and scratched her head before letting it fall back into place. She narrowed her eyes at the bottle in her hand. Ali could tell she was trying hard to concentrate on what was suggested, but her hangover from the night before was making it difficult. 

“Yeah, maybe.” Ash finally replied. She put the bottle back in the refrigerator and poured a cup of coffee.

“Is now a good time to talk?” Ali asked. She knew her friend wasn’t feeling her best. 

“As long as we’re not talking about anything I did today or last night that is embarrassing.” Ash answered.

Ali smiled and said, “Ash, I told you. You don’t need to be embarrassed around me. I will always love you...no matter what.”

Ashlyn rolled her eyes in disbelief. She wished that Ali’s love was the same kind of love she felt for her. “What do you want to talk about?” Ash asked. 

“I want to ask you to forgive me.” Ali answered. “I know I don’t deserve it, but I need you to know that I haven’t stopped blaming myself since it happened...Since I hurt you.”

“Alex, I was never mad at you.” Ashlyn nervously chewed her lip while trying to find the right words. “I was angry at everything else...but never you.”

“If that’s true, then why wouldn’t you talk to me? I called you constantly and I wrote you...”

“Because...” Ash stopped. She was hesitant to continue.

“Go on, Ash.” Ali encouraged. Ashlyn’s arm rested on the table. Ali reached for it and held onto her forearm while she listened.

Ashlyn took a deep breath and sat up straight. “Are you sure you want to hear this? The truth?”

“Of course!” Ali agreed without a doubt.

“Fine.” Ashlyn said. “I couldn’t watch you throw your life away. I couldn’t watch someone love you imperfectly. If I would have let you be part of my life again...it would have been misery.” Ash painfully laughed at herself and added, “Turns out I ended up miserable anyway.”

Ashlyn’s words had struck a cord with Ali, and Ash noticed.

“Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I was just trying to be honest.”

“No...you’re right.” Ali shared. “He hasn’t been the best husband.”

Ali’s words sparked a need in Ashlyn to protect her friend.

“What happened?” Ash asked.

“He said I deserved it.” 

Ashlyn was ready to murder someone, but she waited for more of an explanation.

“He’s cheating on me.” Ali explained. “We got into an argument about it. I had been suspecting it...” Ali paused and with a look of shame said, “I guess I had my suspicions before the wedding.”

Suddenly memories of wanting to be honest and share her feelings with Ali at the wedding came flooding back in Ashlyn’s mind. She wondered if things would be different is she would have had the guts to tell Ali how she felt.

Ali continued, “Anyway...something happened, and I felt that I needed to confront him about it.” Ali hesitated and thought twice about finishing her thought, but it felt so good to finally feel safe with someone. “I guess, I finally decided that I deserved better...And then I decided to come see you.”

For a brief moment Ashlyn blacked out from the world. Did Ali just say what she thought she said? Ali said she deserved better than her husband and immediately came to make things right with Ash. Did Ali want to start something more with her?

“Ash, are you ok?” Ali asked and waved her hand in front of Ashlyn’s face. She worried that her friend's excessive drinking had destroyed too many brain cells the night before.

Ashlyn just stared at Ali like she was completely frozen.

“Ash?” Ali said, and took her hand in her own. She squeezed it and asked, “Are you ok?”

Ali’s touch brought Ashlyn back. Their eyes met and Ash finally answered her friend. “I’m ok. I just...” Ash searched her brain for a good excuse. Anything other than that she was mesmerized by the possibility that Ali had come to visit her for possible romantic reasons. 

“I just...um...” Ashlyn said. “I can’t believe that anyone would ever cheat on you. And I guess I can’t understand why you would let it happen for so long.”

“Crazy, right?” Ali said. “I can’t really believe it either.”

“You’re leaving him, though...right?” Ash asked. 

“No...” Ali replied. She let go of Ashlyn’s hand and said, “I can’t.”

Ashlyn shook all of the thoughts of future romance out of her brain and asked, “You’re going to stay with a guy who cheats on you.”

“I made a vow.” Ali explained. “I said I would stick with him in good times and bad.”

“Well, these are sure as fuck some bad times.” Ash replied sarcastically. “I don’t recognize you anymore, Alex. You’re content with being someone’s doormat.”

“That’s not fair!” Ali argued. “Things are complicated. We have a life together now. I gave up everything to be with him. I can’t just walk away now.”

“So, instead of standing up for yourself now, you are gonna see it through and then one day you’ll finally get some sense...but it will be after he’s completely destroyed your life.”

“Ashlyn, I know it’s hard for you to understand, but this is what’s best.”

“The dude is sleeping with someone else!” Ash yelled in frustration. “You’re letting it happen!”

“I don’t have any control over the women he sleeps with.” Ali said, trying to dodge the blame. 

“Women?” Ash asked for clarification. “As in more than one?”

“I don’t wanna talk anymore.” Ali said. She had no answers for Ashlyn that would make either one of them feel better.

...

After their intense conversation over coffee, Ali asked if she could take a shower and borrow some clothes. When Ashlyn heard the bathroom door open she assumed that her guest would be fully clothed. Instead she saw Ali’s shirtless back as she walked from the hallway bathroom to Ash’s bedroom.

Ash followed her, keeping a distance. She thought she spotted something, but needed a closer look to confirm. In an attempt to keep Ali from suspecting her real motive, she joked from just outside the room. “You didn’t like the shirt I picked out for you?”

Ash slowly poked her head through the doorway and saw Ali put on a t-shirt she had found in Ashlyn’s dresser. 

Ash felt her body shake when she asked, “Who did that to you?” She no longer felt the need to cover up her intentions.

Ali quickly finished pulling the shirt down to cover the marks that Ash was asking about.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Ali replied. 

“The tank top wouldn’t be able to cover your bruises.” Ash said. Ali had bruises on both arms, as if she was violently grabbed.

Ali slowly turned and said, “Ash...It’s not what it looks like.”

“He hurt you.” Ash said, assuming the worst. “He put his hands on you.” 

“Ashlyn, it was my fault.”

Those few words provoked an anger in Ashlyn that Ali had never seen before. 

“How dare you say that?!” Ashlyn yelled. “I’m calling the police.” Ashlyn left the room to find her phone. Ali sprinted towards her and grabbed her phone before she could dial.

“Ashlyn, I pushed him. We got into a fight. I’m the one who started it.” Ali explained.

“Did you leave him with bruises, Alex?” Ash asked. She didn’t seem to find Ali’s argument too convincing. 

“No. He’s bigger than me. But I pushed him first.” 

“What happened? Be honest. Tell me everything.” Ashlyn said. “Or I swear to God I will hunt him down and kill him.”

In the moment, Ali believed Ashlyn’s threat. She didn’t hold back the truth. 

“I found evidence of his cheating. He had brought someone into our house...and in our bed...” Ali started to tear up. It was devastating and humiliating. “I confronted him. I pushed him out of anger...” Ali started to cry. “I felt he had disrespected me. I let him get away with so much, but it wasn’t enough. He brought it into our house.” Ashlyn wanted to hold Ali and calm her down, but she needed to hear the whole truth. “Anyway...” Ali continued, “He grabbed me and pushed me against a wall. He told me that if I wanted to leave him that I could.”

“So he didn’t threaten you to make you stay?” Ash asked. “Great! I’ll help you move.”

“Ashlyn, it’s not that simple. I already told you that I’m not leaving him.”

“What does he have over you, Alex?” Ash asked. “Is it money? Are you worried that you won’t be able to make it without him? You can stay with me until you get back on your feet. You shouldn’t feel like you have to settle. You deserve better.”

“I know what you’re saying, ok?” Ali said. “I would be saying the same thing you’re saying if it were someone else, but now I understand why people stay in difficult relationships. When you put in so much effort and invest in a person, it’s hard to walk away.”

Ali could see the great amount of self-control her friend was exercising to keep from arguing Ali’s point. Ashlyn looked as if she was about to explode.

“Ash, who’s to say that if I left, things would be better? What if it got worse? He may not be the most loving, or thoughtful man, but there are a lot of people who have it a lot worse.”

Ashlyn agreed with a hint of angry sarcasm, “Yeah. Those are people who stick around instead of leaving, and end up getting murdered by their spouse. Hopefully, you don’t find out that YOU are one of those people.”

Ali didn’t have an argument.

She couldn’t come up with an excuse. 

Ashlyn was right. 

...

Six days had passed since Ali told her best friend about the betrayal and abuse that she had suffered. It was Ali’s threat to leave that made Ashlyn immediately calm down and change her approach. Pressuring Ali was never the right path to take in helping her. Ash resolved in her heart that she would do all she could to empower and encourage her friend, instead of push her to respond the way that she wanted. 

Once Ashlyn stopped pushing, things felt comfortable between the two of them. While Ashlyn was training, or at practice, Ali would run errands, cook, clean, do whatever she could to make Ashlyn’s life easier. When Ash returned home, they would spend the evening together laughing and talking as if they were in college again, and there were no stupid husbands to complicate things. They had a balanced domestic rhythm between them. It was easy and peaceful. The two of them were happier than either could ever remember being.

Ash felt that if Ali was with her, then she wasn’t with him. 

Ali was safe....and Ashlyn would do anything to keep Ali safe.


	6. Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll are so mad at Ali...
> 
> I love your passion, but remember things aren't always as they seem.

“So...what exactly are you doing here?” Whitney asked.

Ali thought she sounded suspicious. Both women were waiting for Ashlyn to finish showering and getting dressed after practice. Ash had taken a little knock to the knee and had been held up by the trainer. While they waited, Ash’s two best friends had nothing to do but talk.

“Ash didn’t tell you?” Ali asked in reply.

Ali knew that in the week and a half that she had been staying at Ashlyn’s apartment, they had been inseparable, but it was possible that Ash had told Whitney about Ali’s situation without her knowing. In fact, she kind of expected Ash to have said something.

“All she told me was that you were visiting.” Whit answered. “But there has to be more to it than that...Ash wouldn’t just forgive you so easily.”

Whitney’s tone wasn’t friendly, it was protective.

“Ash told me she was never mad at me.” Ali replied. “Was she lying when she said that?”

Whitney sighed in frustration and said, “No. She wasn’t lying.”

Ali didn’t want any kind of problems with Ashlyn’s ‘other’ best friend. She wanted to settle things quickly. “Are YOU mad at me?” Ali asked.

Whit didn’t know the polite way to answer the question. In a lot of ways, she was furious at Ali.

“I think you need to be careful.” Whitney warned.

“Are you threatening me?”

Whitney was shocked by the question. “Why would you even ask that?” Whit asked. “I think you need to be careful for Ashlyn’s sake.”

“What do you mean?”

“You can’t be that naive.”

Ali leaned toward Whitney, hoping to catch her answer, as well as any clue her body language or tone might reveal.

Whit continued, “I don’t want to see my friend get hurt. That’s what I mean.”

“Why would you think I would hurt her?” Ali asked.

It was Ashlyn’s voice, filled with joy and excitement, that interrupted the women’s conversation.

“Well, if it isn’t my two favorite girls!” Ash exclaimed. “You two ready to go?”

Whit was relieved in a way. She was trying to be a faithful friend and not reveal Ashlyn’s secret to Ali, but at the same time she was desperate to keep her friend from being exposed to more pain. She was in a no-win situation.

...

Ali didn’t bring up to Ashlyn what Whitney had started to say to her. However, she did try to figure out the context of Whit’s words on her own. From the outside, all Ali could see was the happiest version of Ashlyn she had ever witnessed. But Whit’s words kept coming back to her. She warned her to ‘be careful for Ashlyn’s sake.’ Ash had given Ali so much, including a safe place to stay. She would never forgive herself if she hurt Ashlyn.

That night the women worked side-by-side in Ash’s small kitchen to prepare dinner. Ashlyn said that cooking with Ali every night was her favorite time of day. It was another glimpse into the domestic happiness that the two could share permanently if things were different.

“What are you gonna do while I’m gone?” Ash asked with a mouthful of pasta.

Ali shrugged and seemed to not have thought too much about it. Ashlyn had an away game in Boston that weekend and the team was leaving the following day.

Ali smiled mischievously and said, “Probably just drive your Jeep around town and get into trouble.”

“Don’t wreck it.” Ashlyn replied. “That’s my baby.”

“Yes, I know. It’s the love of your life.” Ali joked.

Ashlyn’s eyes bounced from looking at Ali to looking at an arbitrary spot on the table. She hoped that Ali couldn’t read her mind. She forced an unconvincing laugh and said, “Uh, yeah.”

Ali picked up on her friend’s strange behavior, but kept her thoughts to herself. She already had a lot on her mind. It wasn’t the right time for her to bring up something that might upset Ashlyn. She wanted the rest of the night to be perfect.

Since Ali had showed up at Ashlyn’s door, the two of them slept in the same bed. It was always completely platonic, but deep down both women felt as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

The next morning, while Ash finished packing for her short trip she asked, “You wanna come with me? I’ll buy you a ticket. You don’t need to stay here all alone.”

“Ash, I can’t go with you.” Ali answered. “What would people think?”

“No one’s gonna think anything.” Ash replied. “You’re my friend. You wanna watch me play.”

Ali smiled and nodded, “I do want to see you play, but I don’t think it’s necessary for me to follow you around where ever you go. I’ll be fine. You worry too much.”

“Yeah...ok.” Ash agreed half-heartedly. She had a really bad feeling about leaving Ali home alone.

...

The next morning Ali insisted on driving Ashlyn to the airport. They practically followed the team bus the whole way.

“What happened to it being unnecessary for you to be with me all the time?” Ash asked, poking fun at Ali’s words from the night before.

“Shut up.” Ali snapped with a giggle. “I’m gonna miss you. I wanted to spend a little bit more time with you before you go.”

“Hey...I’m not complaining. You know I love hanging out with you.”

Ali parked Ash’s Jeep and walked with her into the departure terminal. She couldn’t go all the way to the gate, so they had to stop at security to say goodbye. Ali hugged Ashlyn extra tight before calling out to Whitney.

Ali shared a quick hug with Whit and whispered, “Remember what we talked about.”

Whitney nodded and stepped away to allow for Ali and Ashlyn to hug one more time. The entire team seemed to be in a rush, but Whit didn’t hurry her friends. She let them have their moment.

“I love you.” Ali said. Her words were so sincere and true, that Ash’s breath caught in her throat.

Ashlyn wanted to yell from the highest point in the airport that she was in love with Ali, but Ali’s words had paralyzed her.

Whitney decided that her stupid friend needed a hand and offered her own. “Come on Ash, we gotta go.”

Whitney pulled Ashlyn toward the security check line.

Ashlyn still hadn’t found her voice, but she would often look back toward Ali. Every time, Ali would smile and wave. She stayed in her spot until Ash and Whitney were out of sight.

...

Ashlyn hadn’t heard back from Ali the entire trip. When the team arrived back, Ashlyn waited on the curb where Ali said she would pick her up. Once Whitney had retrieved her bag from baggage claim she joined Ash outside.

“Ash, I think you should probably go home with the team.” Whitney suggested.

Ashlyn shook her head in disagreement and said, “She said she would be here.”

“Ash, she told me she wouldn’t.” Whitney confessed. “She told me to make sure you left with the team.”

Ashlyn’s brain didn’t register what her friend had just told her.

“I’m gonna wait.” Ash replied. “She’ll be here.”

Whitney tried to talk her out of it, but Ashlyn’s resolve wouldn’t budge. She ended up waiting for over an hour before getting a taxi.

Whitney had been watching for Ashlyn since she had gotten home. She sat at the window and waited. When she finally saw Ash emerge from a yellow cab, she took a deep breath to ready herself for a scene that was all too familiar....

A heartbroken Ashlyn.

...

Ash slowly ascended up the three flights of stairs to her apartment. Halfway home she still had a little bit of hope that Ali would be there, but after about 10 messages were ignored by Ali, she was certain that her apartment would be empty when she arrived.

She was in no hurry to be alone again.

Whit waited for Ashlyn to close her door before she left her apartment. She paced back and forth in front of Ash’s door in order to give her some time to find out the truth on her own.

Ashlyn’s apartment felt dark and cold. She called out for Ali, but wasn’t surprised when there was no response. She dropped her bags and when one hit her foot, she kicked it out of the way in frustration.

Ash wanted to cry, but she knew that once she started her tears would never end. Instead, she went to the only thing she thought could bring her comfort.

After 2 beers, Ashlyn grabbed another and made her way to her bedroom to change. It was in her room that she found the note Ali had left for her. Ashlyn sat down on her bed next to the letter. The handwriting was beautiful, just like Ali. Ashlyn wondered how much time she took to make every curve and stroke perfect.

Ashlyn took a drink and then read the letter.

_“Ash,_

_I’m sorry._

_That seems to be the only thing I know how to say these days. I owe you so much. You gave me a safe and peaceful place to stay. I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve done. The thing that means the most to me is that you have given me your forgiveness._

_I hope that you can forgive me once again._

_I knew that you would be angry if I told you that I was leaving. I didn’t want our last few moments together to be ruined by my actions. Please forgive me for not telling you the truth, and don’t be mad at Whit. I made her promise not to tell you until you got back._

_I know what you’re thinking. You think I shouldn’t go back. You think I should leave him. I don’t blame you for thinking that, but I need you to trust me when I say that it’s complicated. I’m just trying to do what’s best._

_Thank you for everything, Ash._

_I love you._

_Ali.”_

“She told me that her husband called her and told her the exact address of the grocery store she had used their credit card at.” Whitney interrupted. She stood in the doorway of Ash’s room.

“Go away, Whit.” Ash muttered sadly.

Whitney didn’t go away. She took a seat next to her friend and pulled her into a hug.

“Ash, what were you expecting her to do? She’s married.” Whitney said. She didn’t know about the cheating or the abuse, and Ashlyn wasn’t going to tell her.

Ashlyn pulled away and replied, “You don’t understand.”

“No...I don’t!” Whitney replied in frustration. “This girl doesn’t deserve you!”

Ashlyn pushed her good friend away and said, “You never understood us. You’re probably happy now.” Ash snapped. “Now my only chance at happiness is gone.”

“Ash, she isn’t your only chance at happiness...” Whit said, trying to encourage her friend.

Unfortunately, Ashlyn was inconsolable.

“Whitney...please...just leave me alone.”


	7. Dreams

Ashlyn parked her rental car on the side of the street and watched the front of a house in a small suburban town. She waited for a dark sedan to pull out of the driveway of the house. She ducked as it drove past her, and readied her heart for confrontation.

Ash had to give herself a few pep talks to even open the car door. Once she was out of the car, she felt as if she was suffocating. With every step she took towards the front door, it became harder for her to breathe. When she finally knocked on the large wooden door, her entire body was shaking. By the time the door was open, Ashlyn was in tears. 

Ali had a lot of questions about why her best friend was standing in front of her, but at that moment all that mattered was getting Ashlyn in her arms.

Ali embraced Ash and pulled her inside. 

...

After Ashlyn had asked Whitney to leave her alone the night before, she took some time to figure out what her next move should be. She assumed that Ali had a reason to leave. When Whit told Ash about Ali’s husband tracking down her credit card purchases, she thought she knew the real reason Ali left. 

Ashlyn wasn’t about to let Ali sentence herself to a life of abuse and manipulation out of fear... 

That night, Ashlyn called HAO and threatened to embarrass her at the next national team camp if she didn’t give her Ali’s home address. 

The next morning, Ashlyn called her coach and explained that she had a family emergency and would need to miss practice. She said she would give him more details when she could.

During her flight, she thought about a lot of things.

What would Ali say? Would Ali be happy or upset? Would her husband be angry? How would she talk Ali into leaving with her?

But there was one question that she didn’t think twice about. 

Should she go to Ali?

Ashlyn was determined to help her best friend, and nothing was going to stop her.

...

It took almost 15 minutes for Ashlyn to stop shaking. Steadily her tears slowed down too. Ali didn’t rush the process. She waited for her dear friend to calm down enough to speak, before she tried to find out what Ashlyn was doing there.

“HAO gave me your address.” Ash said, while wiping the last of the tears from her face.

Ali let out a sad laugh and replied, “I guess I deserve that.” It was HAO who had given her Ash’s address a couple weeks ago.

“Yeah...you really do.” Ash added. 

Ali held Ashlyn’s hand and asked, “Ash, why are you here?”

“Because I know why you left.” Ashlyn answered. “You were worried for my safety. You thought he would find out you were with me.”

Ashlyn watched Ali’s eyes fill up with tears before she covered her face with her hands. Ali couldn’t bear to let Ashlyn see that she had figured her out.

“You thought leaving was what was best for me.” Ashlyn added. “Alex, you don’t have to protect me. I’m not afraid of him.”

“Ashlyn, I need you to stay away from me.” Ali replied forcefully. Her words were so unexpected, Ashlyn almost fell down.

“That’s not going to happen.” Ash replied.

Ali checked her watch nervously. Common sense told her that she had hours before her husband would be home, but her anxiety made her check the time every few minutes.

“Ash, I love you.” Ali confessed. 

Ashlyn replied easily, “I love you, too.” 

Ali got serious, knowing that Ashlyn didn’t understand the depth of what she was saying. “Ashlyn, you are so important to me. You’ve been everything that I could ever dream of...” 

Ashlyn heard Ali’s voice shake from nerves.

“Ash...I wish things could be different. I wish we could have done things differently.”

Ashlyn leaned it to make sure she wasn’t misunderstanding what Ali was saying. Ash wondered if it was possible that the woman of her dreams was about to confess her love.

“I messed this up for us.” Ali added. “My brother told me not to marry him. He said he knew that it wasn’t right, but I thought that everything that was happening was what I had always dreamed about as a little girl. It was always a knight in shining armor that rescued the damsel in distress...It was Prince Charming who kissed the Princess and brought a happy ending to the story.” 

Ali smiled sadly and asked, “No one told me that my Prince Charming and courageous knight was a woman.”

Ashlyn felt all the air leave her lungs. Her head felt dizzy. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Could it be real? Maybe she fell asleep on the plane and this was all a dream.

Ash was close to passing out. Speaking was not an option.

Ali continued, “I wish things could be different. It sounds so cliché, but if I knew back then what I know now, I could have saved a lot of pain.”

Ashlyn took a slow breath in and asked, “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I want you to know that you are all my dreams come true.” Ali answered.

Ali watched as a smile started to find it’s way to Ashlyn’s lips and interrupted before her friend could get too excited.  
 “But...” Ali breathed. “I don’t deserve you.” 

Ashlyn immediately defended her friend, “Who told you that?” Her fingers involuntarily curled into a fist as if she was going to fight whoever would say that about Ali.

Ali shook her head and said, “No one said that to me...but I’m guessing someone has said it to you. Whitney, maybe?”

“She doesn’t understand.” Ash replied. “It’s not your fault you married a jerk!”

Ali loved how protective Ashlyn was about her, but it wasn’t realistic.

“Ash, it is my fault.” Ali said. “I mean...it’s not my fault that he’s a jerk, but it is my fault that I married him.”

“I don’t care about any of that.” Ash said. “Come home with me. I’ll take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of.” Ashlyn promised. 

Both women couldn’t hide their emotions. Ali’s lip quivered. Tears covered Ashlyn’s cheeks.

Ali stayed the course she had chosen and said, “I know you would take care of me...and I wish I could leave with you.”

“You can!” 

“No, Ash...I can’t.” Ali replied. “My mistakes are MY mistakes. I can’t let you carry them for me. You deserve much better. I can’t go with you.”

Ashlyn replied in a half sob-half shout, “Yes, you can!”

Ali pulled Ashlyn into an embrace and let her release the years of pent up heartbreak. Ashlyn finally knew what it felt like to have Ali love her back, unfortunately it didn’t look quite the way she thought it would.

Ali checked her watch again to make sure that her husband was long gone. She kissed Ashlyn’s cheek and asked, “You wanna get some lunch?”

Ash was much calmer than when she first started crying, but there were still remnants of her tears. She shook her head and answered, “Not really.” 

“Ash, I know you must be starving. You probably didn’t eat breakfast.”

Ali knew her friend well. In stressful situations Ash would usually skip meals. Ali couldn’t imagine a more stressful predicament than what they were going through.

“Alex, I can’t leave you here.” Ashlyn replied. The need for food was the last thing on her mind. 

She needed to protect Ali.

“Ash, after lunch, you’re going to go home. I’m going to stay here. I’m sorry, but I can’t leave.”

“Alex, as far as I’m concerned, your husband has lost the right to be married to you. You don’t owe him anything!”

Ali looked down and with her palm resting on her stomach she said, “I’m pregnant, Ash.” 

Ashlyn’s face went pale. Her expression was blank. Ali wondered if she had just scared her friend out of wanting to have anything to do with her.

“Don’t worry. It’s not your problem. It’s mine.” Ali said. “My baggage just got heavier. Like I said before, I expect to carry it on my own.”

...

It took some convincing, but eventually Ashlyn let Ali talk her into getting lunch. The women shared a pizza and both only had water as their beverage.

“Alex...” Ash said, after they had finished their lunch. “I’ve been thinking...about the baby, I mean.”

Ali could tell that her friend was nervous about what she was about to say. “It’s ok.” Ali comforted. "You can tell me anything. Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind.”

“Are you sure you want to have a baby with him?” Ash asked cautiously.

Ali nodded and answered, “I’m sure.”

“Why?”

Ali shrugged and replied, “It probably sounds stupid, but I already love him, or her. I can’t imagine not going through with the pregnancy.”

“Then, I think now you have even more reason to leave him. What’s stopping him from hurting a child?” Ash asked.

Ali wasn’t upset that Ashlyn would ask that. It was a completely rational question. 

“I really don’t think that he would.” Ali answered. “There has only been one time that things have gotten physical with us, and I was the one who initiated it.”

“Stop making excuses for him.” Ashlyn replied bitterly.

 Ali was going to argue further, but it was clear that Ash was getting more upset by the second. 

“Can we please talk about something else?” Ali asked. “I only have a short time left with you.”

“Alex, you basically just told me that you’re in love with me.”

“I didn’t ‘basically’ tell you that. I literally told you that I’m in love with you.”

Ashlyn waved her hand in frustration. “Whatever...” Ashlyn continued, “You told me that if things were different we could be together...we could be happy.”

Ali nodded in agreement.

“Well...” Ashlyn searched Ali’s eyes and said, “This is your chance to make things different. This is your chance to be happy. Don’t let this pass us by.”

Ali wanted to grab Ashlyn’s face and kiss her hard, but she didn’t.

“Ash...” Ali leaned back in her chair, creating distance between the two women and said...

“I can’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you geniuses already figured out a few things revealed in this chapter. Well done!


	8. One Last Time

Ali dropped the pineapple she was considering putting in her shopping cart, and after grabbing her purse, left her cart and groceries in the middle of the produce section.

...

Ali thought that maybe she had forgotten something on her way to the airport, but she didn’t have time to care. She ran as fast as a 6 month pregnant woman could run. It was more like a quick waddle than run, but it got her to her flight on time, none the less. 

...

Whitney didn’t mince words. She also didn’t seem thrilled that Ali was there, but again, Ali didn’t care. She needed to be with Ashlyn. Nothing else mattered to her.

Whit met Ali at the entrance of the hospital and said, “Follow me.”

The two quickly made their way to Ash’s hospital room. Just outside the door Whitney said, “She hasn’t spoken to anyone since the accident. Maybe she’ll talk to you.”

Ali took a deep breath and followed Whitney into the room. The moment they opened the door, Ashlyn yanked her blanket over her head. She wanted to hide from world. 

“Ash...” Whit said. “You have a visitor.”

Ali slowly approached Ashlyn’s covered form. She put her hand on what she assumed was Ashlyn’s hip and patted it a couple of times. 

“Ash, I’m here.” Ali quietly announced. 

Both Ali and Whitney waited for some kind of response, but Ashlyn didn’t move or make a sound.

Ali turned toward Whit and asked, “Can you give us a few minutes?”

Whitney nodded and left. Ali noticed an eye roll from Ashlyn’s other best friend, but refrained from pointing it out.

“Ashlyn, it’s just you and me now.” Ali said, after Whit had closed the door behind her. “Will you please talk to me?” She asked and rubbed Ashlyn’s leg to try to convey some sort of comfort and safety. 

Ali waited for several minutes, that felt like hours and said, “I’m sorry you’re going through this, Ash...I’m sorry I wasn’t here. Please talk to me.” 

Ali was not above begging when it came to Ashlyn. “Ash, please...”

Ashlyn stayed quiet and still. 

Ali sighed quietly, hoping that Ash couldn’t hear her desperate frustration. She removed her hand from Ashlyn’s thigh and started to leave. It was when Ali opened the door that she heard her name.

“Alex?” 

Ali turned quickly, causing her to get a little lightheaded...or maybe it was the sound of her name coming from her one true Love’s lips that caused it.

“I’m here.” Ali said. She wanted to kick herself for stating the obvious. She waited for Ashlyn to say more, but again the blonde went silent.

Ali took a deep breath, and gathered all her courage and said, “Ashlyn, I’m here. I want to help you, but I need you to talk to me.”

“You’re just going to leave again.” Ashlyn said from under the blanket.

Though Ash’s words were bitter, Ali smiled. She felt that at least Ashlyn was willing to talk to her.

“Is that what this is all about?” Ali asked. 

“No...” Ashlyn answered. “Maybe.” She answered again. “I don’t know.”

The circumstances that brought Ashlyn to the hospital that day were tragic. Ali wanted to ask her a lot of hard questions, but she knew that those questions would only cause her friend to close up. She needed to be smarter than that.

“You wanna know what I know?” Ali asked in a calm, optimistic tone.

Ashlyn rolled from one side onto her other side, so that her face was now toward Ali underneath the blanket. Ali interpreted the movement as a sign that her best friend was opening up.

“What?” Ash asked.

Ali gently sat down next to her friend, careful not to sit on the blanket and risk smothering her friend to death, and answered, “I know that sometimes we make mistakes and feel like we don’t deserve a second chance.”

Ali heard the muffled sound of a sniffle.

Ali promised, “Ash, I’ll help you face this.”

“You’ll leave again.” Ash replied.

Ali didn’t know what to say. 

“Ashlyn, if I could stay forever I would.”

“But you can’t.”

Ali replied, “I would love to see your beautiful face, Ash. Can we talk without the blanket?”

“I look horrible.” Ash answered.

“Well, I’m as big as a house, so I will be the last person to judge.” Ali answered, trying to lighten the mood.

“Can you turn the light off?” Ash asked. It was the middle of the day and there was some light coming through a window. Ali hoped it would be enough to be able to see her friend.

“Of course.” Ali said. 

Ashlyn felt Ali’s weight leave the mattress and then saw through the light blanket that the room was a little darker. Ashlyn slowly removed the covering and showed Ali the damage.

Ali gasped.

“My head hit the windshield. It broke my nose and the bone under my eye.” Ash explained. Her face was covered with guaze and tape over her eye and the cheek area below it.

“Are you in a lot of pain?” Ali asked. 

Ashlyn’s one eye closed as she answered, “Not physical pain.”

“Can I sit?” Ali asked, this time seeking permission before sitting down.

Ashlyn nodded yes, and slowly moved over to give her pregnant friend more space. 

“Can I hold you?” Ali asked.

Ashlyn wanted to fight it, but she needed Ali’s arms more than anything else.

Ash nodded again.

Ali pulled Ashlyn into a soft hug. Both women were in an awkward position, due to their physical limitations, but it still felt comfortable in a way that neither had felt in a long time. 

“How long do you have to stay here?” Ali asked.

“I don’t know.” Ash answered. “I have to get surgery on my eye.” 

Ali heard the defeat in Ash’s voice. She kissed Ashlyn’s uninjured cheek and said, “You’re gonna get through this.”

“Maybe I don’t want to.” Ash replied. 

Since Ali had confessed her love almost 6 months ago, Ashlyn had been a confused mess. She was no longer pining away for someone who didn’t feel the same way anymore. Instead, she was alone in a world where her confirmed soulmate, who returned her love, was with another person. She imagined someone else touching her in a hurtful way, and maybe even a sexual way. Both kinds of touch haunted Ashlyn’s thoughts.

It almost killed her.

“Don’t say that.” Ali replied. Ashlyn was never the type to give up. At least, she always thought Ash was never the type.

“Alex, I’m barely making it. I can’t keep doing this.”

“Is that why you’ve been drinking so much?” Ali asked. She thought she already knew the answer.

“I’ve made dumb choices because I don’t want to deal with reality.”

“Ashlyn, reality is that I love you.”

“Exactly!” Ash exclaimed. “I can’t deal with that!”

Ali didn’t understand that her profession of love had driven Ashlyn even further into despair.

Ashlyn continued to explain, “You will never leave him, and I will never move on from you. I’m stuck...alone forever.”

“Ash, I will leave him.” Ali said, trying to correct her friend’s mistaken opinion.

Ashlyn laughed bitterly, “No, you won’t.”

...

“The good news is that the police aren’t going to get involved.” Whitney announced. “You’re lucky.” 

Whit was angry at her friend for making a stupid decision to drive while she was drunk.

“That bad news is...” Whitney added. “US Soccer is requiring you to go to rehab and suspending you until a doctor and psychiatrist clear you.”

Whit held the letter from US Soccer that she had retrieved from Ash’s mailbox. Ashlyn was still hospitalized and recovering from the surgery that her accident required. Ali had stayed by her side since the day the accident happened almost a week ago.

Just before Ashlyn’s car crash, she had been drowning her sorrows with the only thing that helped her feel numb. She thought she would be alone in her apartment all day, but a message of an unplanned team meeting ruined the day’s agenda and sent her life into an even deeper downward spiral.

She tried to sober up before she had to drive, but it didn’t work. She called Whitney, but the blonde had already left. Both women wished that they would have done things differently that day. 

On the way to the meeting, Ashlyn’s Jeep ran off the road at a fast speed and hit a tree. The accident happened on private property and no charges were pressed, but the damage was done. 

“It probably doesn’t matter.” Ash replied to Whit’s news. “If I lose sight in my eye, I won’t be able to play anymore, anyways.”

“That’s not going to happen.” Ali encouraged optimistically. 

Ashlyn put her hand over her bandaged face and argued, “Nothing ever goes my way....Of course, it’s going to happen.”

Whitney couldn’t hide her anger when she met Ali’s eyes with her own. In her opinion, Ali had caused all of this.

When Ashlyn fell asleep, Whit asked to speak to Ali in private. Ali didn’t want to leave Ashlyn’s side for even a second, but reluctantly left with her.

Once the women were clear of hearing distance, Whitney asked, “Why are you here?”

“For the same reason you are.” Ali answered. “Ashlyn needs me.”

“Ashlyn doesn’t need you for a week or two at a time.” Whitney argued. “Every time you leave, you set her up for more pain. Right now she needs to focus on getting better...NOT ON YOU!”

“Our relationship is complicated.” Ali argued. “You don’t know what she needs.” 

“You and Ash come up with the same excuses. Things are only complicated if you make them complicated. The reality of this situation isn’t complicated. Ashlyn almost killed herself because of your inability to put her first. If you love her, like you claim to, then your idea of love is really messed up.”

Whitney’s words were harsh...probably too harsh, but there was too much at stake for her to risk not being honest for the sake of Ali’s feelings.

“Don’t question the quality, or depth of my love for Ashlyn. As far as I’m concerned there is no one more important than Ash to me. Except for my unborn child, Ash is at the top of my priority list!”

“Then why are you in a relationship with someone else?” Whit asked. It was a question that both her and Ashlyn wanted the answer to.

“I can’t support a baby on my own.” Ali answered. “That’s why! I messed up by quitting the only thing I was ever good at.” Ali regretted a lot of things. Giving up soccer was one of the biggest regrets of her life.

“My stupid best friend would do anything for you and even another person’s child. That’s not a good enough excuse. Ashlyn wouldn’t think twice about helping you.” Whit argued.

“Yeah...and how would that be helping Ashlyn?” Ali asked, sounding like she thought she had just made her point. “Do you really think it is in Ash’s best interests to have a baby in her life right now? Ashlyn needs someone taking care of her, not the other way around. No one may understand my reasons, but I would think you could at least appreciate that I am trying to protect Ash from the consequences of my mistakes.”

Whitney didn’t want to admit it, especially after being angry with Ali for the last year and a half, but Ali was right.

Ali continued, “I’m separated from my husband. But we agreed to keep up appearances until after the baby is born. He has a very conservative family and he doesn’t want them to lash out at the baby because of us. He promised that if I stay with him until the birth, that he will agree to a more favorable settlement in the divorce.”

“That is so messed up.” Whit said. “Why would he stay with you knowing that you love someone else?” 

“Ashlyn must not have told you.” Ali answered. “It’s not about him doing me a big favor and staying with me, it’s about me staying with him. He’s not the best husband. I have every legal right to leave him and win big in court.”

It was now clear to Whitney that she had no idea what the full story was. 

Maybe Ali really was looking out for Ashlyn after all.

...

It was time for Ali to go back home.

“You’re leaving again.” Ash said sadly.

Ali kissed Ashlyn’s cheek and said, “Only for a little while.”

“What if he hurts you?” Ash asked, forgetting that Whitney was in the room.

Things were finally much clearer for Whit.

“He won’t. We are, for the most part, living separate lives now. He doesn’t care what I do, and I don’t care what he does.” Ali answered.

Ali hated leaving, but she put on a brave face and positive tone and said, “You focus on getting better. Don’t worry about me. I’ll check in on you every day...And I expect to hear that you have been following doctor’s orders.”

Ash nodded.

“Whitney and I went through your apartment and got rid of all the alcohol we could find.” Ali explained. “If there is anything we missed, you need to let Whit know the moment you find it.”

Ash agreed.

Ali quietly asked Whit to give them a moment alone before she pressed a tender kiss on Ash’s lips. 

“I love you.” Ali said. “Soon we will be together forever...and that will be a wonderful thing. But please don’t give up on yourself. With, or without me, YOU are enough reason to want to get better.”

Ash agreed, even though she wasn’t as confident about her worth as Ali was. 

The two shared one more kiss before Ali left...for one last time.


	9. Official

Ali hurried to open the door. She heard Ashlyn’s taxi pull up. She had been waiting far too long for their reunion.

Ali swallowed up her visitor in a hug and pulled her inside. 

Ashlyn started to say something, but Ali cut her off.

“Can we just hold each other for a minute?”

Without hesitation, Ashlyn replied, “Of course.”

Ali burrowed her face into the crook of Ash’s neck and took in as much of her best friend as she could. She breathed in deeply and captured the smell of Ashlyn’s shampoo and whatever scent it was that she had sprayed herself with that morning. Ali felt the strong muscles in Ashlyn’s back and shoulders. She held tighter the more she realized that Ash was at last all hers.

Finally, Ali raised her head to take in her best friend's face. “You’re still a little swollen and bruised.” Ali said. She gently ran her finger across Ashlyn’s injured cheek.

“I’m still healing from the last surgery.” Ash explained.

Ali felt a twinge of sadness enter her heart, that had only moments ago been filled with nothing but joy. “Ash, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.”

Ashlyn had to have two surgeries on her eye and cheek. She had also just finished a rehabilitation program to help with her drinking problem. Ashlyn was 3 months sober and much more emotionally stable than the last time the two women had seen each other.

“It’s fine.” Ash replied. “You were kind of busy.” 

“Yeah...I was.” Ali agreed. She patted her belly and said, “I’m still working to get the baby weight off.”

Ali’s face brightened as she thought of the reason that she had been busy. “You wanna meet him?” She asked.

“Is he awake?” Ashlyn asked. “I don’t want to disturb him.” 

Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and pulled her toward the baby’s room. 

“He’s such a sweet baby.” Ali bragged. “He’s also a great sleeper. Everyone I talk to is jealous of how good of a baby he is.”

Ashlyn smiled at her friend. Ali was beaming as she spoke of her newborn son.

“Ashlyn...” Ali said. “This is Jackson.”

Ashlyn was mesmerized by the cute, tiny human as he slept. She carefully studied his crinkled nose and his little mouth.

“He looks just like you.” Ash said. “He’s beautiful.” 

Ali stepped into Ashlyn from behind and leaned against her as they continued to admire the boy. 

“You wanna hold him?” Ali asked.

“Isn’t it like...bad luck, or something...to wake up a sleeping baby?”

“I told you he’s a good sleeper. I can usually pick him up without waking him.” Ali explained.

“What if he doesn’t like me?” Ash asked. She was desperate for the child to like her.

Ali wanted to laugh, but she also wanted to cry. Ashlyn’s concern for the child’s acceptance was everything. It meant that Ash wasn’t only there to love her, but to love her son too.

Ali gently picked up Jackson and held him out toward Ash. She waited for the blonde to take a deep breath to settle her nerves. Ali gave instructions as she handed the boy to Ashlyn. 

“Remember to support his head...Hold him close. He likes to be held close.”

Ashlyn held the boy so that his head was against her neck. She instinctively began to lightly bounce up and down. The movement caused Ali to smile. Her son loved it when she did the same exact thing.

Ashlyn was a natural.

“What do you think?” Ali asked. 

“I think I’m in love.” 

...

Ali was right. Jackson was a good sleeper. The women had time to catch up while he slept peacefully in Ashlyn’s arms.

“So, I’m gonna go.” Ali announced. 

Her words brought a look of absolute terror to Ashlyn’s face.

“You can’t go.” Ashlyn argued. “What if he wakes up?”

Ali did her best not to giggle and answered, “He will either be hungry, or need changed.” Ali smiled and asked, “You do know how to change a diaper, right?”

“Yeah.” Ash answered. “But what if he sees that I’m not you and screams the whole time you’re gone?”

“Then you will really get the true baby experience.” Ali answered. She didn’t seem as terrified at Ashlyn did.

“But what if he thinks I kidnapped him? What if I scare him, or he just doesn’t like me?”

Ashlyn had a hundred questions. 

But Ali’s answer was the same. 

“You’ll be fine.”

“But what if...”

“Ashlyn, relax. He’s a great baby. I promise he isn’t going to traumatize you. I would stay, but you can’t drive because of your eye. I have to get the moving van. If we take him it will take twice as long. I promise it will be quick.”

...

When Ali returned with the moving van and her car attached behind it, Ashlyn let out a breath of relief. Ali was right again. Her son was the sweetest baby Ash had ever met. He bonded with her immediately.

“I’ll start packing.” Ash said the moment Ali entered the house. 

“Ash, hold on.” Ali said. “I brought us Chinese.”

“We can eat after you’re loaded.” Ashlyn replied. All she wanted was to get Ali out of there.

“Ashlyn, it’s fine. We have plenty of time to get packed. What’s the rush?”

Ashlyn’s face turned bright red. “I guess I want to start our life together as soon as possible.”

“That’s a pretty good reason.” Ali replied. “But can we maybe start our life together over Chinese food?”

Ashlyn laughed. “I’ve been so nervous, I haven’t really had much of an appetite.”

“You’re nervous about seeing me?” Ali asked. “I would think that you would be happy.”

“I am....I’m just...I feel like it’s too good to be true. I don’t want you to change your mind.”

“Ash, I’m not going to change my mind. You’re it for me. The papers are signed and filed, the divorce is happening. You and my handsome little guy are all I want. I’m not going anywhere.” Ali replied. 

Ashlyn sighed quietly and hoped that Ali really did know what she wanted. She grabbed the bag of take out and asked, “Where are your plates?”

During lunch Ali had something special she wanted to share with Ashlyn.

“So, did I tell you why I let my ex-husband name Jackson?” 

“No. I figured you didn’t want to fight anymore.” Ash answered.

“Well, I told him he could come up with the first name if I could come up with the middle. We had a list of names that we both agreed on, so I knew that as long as he picked from the list we would be fine.” 

“Ok...” Ashlyn replied. She wasn’t sure where Ali was going with the change of topic.

“Well, Jackson’s middle name is named after someone very important to us.” Ali explained.

“Kyle?” Ash asked.

“No.” Ali answered. “And he’s kind of pissed about that, so don’t mention it in front of him.” Ali smiled and said, “His middle name is Harris.”

“Me...You named him after me?” Ash asked. She was completely shocked.

Ali nodded. Both women felt tears welling up. “One way, or another, you will always be a part of our lives, Ash.”

“Alex...I don’t know. I mean, what if...?” Ashlyn didn’t want to say what she was thinking out loud.

“Ash, no matter what happens between us, I know that my son will love you. And I know you well enough to know that you will always love him.” Ali replied, answering Ash’s unfinished question. “So, like I said, one way or another, you will always be in our lives.”

...

“Alex, maybe you should pull over.” Ashlyn suggested. 

Baby Jack wasn’t happy that his mother was sitting so far away from him in the driver’s seat. He was safely buckled into his car seat in a row of seats behind her. Ali tried to comfort him with her voice, but the little guy screamed all the louder.

“Ash, we can’t stop every time he cries.” Ali replied. “If we do, he’s never going to stop...and we’re never going to get home.” Ali smiled thinking about her new home with Ashlyn.

“But he’s so sad.” Ash complained. Her new little buddy was upset and she felt helpless to make him feel better. “Maybe I can drive for a little bit. My eye isn’t that bad.”

“You are crazy if you think I am going to let you drive. It wouldn’t be safe.” Ali argued. “Just talk to him. Maybe he’s lonely.” 

“What do I say?” Ash asked. 

“Say whatever you want.”

Ashlyn unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed from her front seat to the back. She sat next to Jackson, and nervously cleared her throat. 

“Hey, little dude.” Ash said, sounding like she was talking to one of her surfer friends. 

Ali smiled and watched the interaction in the rearview mirror. 

Ashlyn let Jack grab her pinky with his tiny fingers. He continued to cry, while latching on to her tightly.

“Alex, he’s strong.” Ash said in wonder. She gently tried to pull her pinky away, but he pulled it back. “He won’t let go.” Ash said. She was completely smitten.

“Talk to him.” Ali encouraged.

“Oh, yeah.” Ash replied, remembering why she had sat next to him in the first place. Her amazement of the baby’s strength distracted her from the task at hand.

“Jackson...” Ash said, starting to try to talk to the child. She muttered his name again and asked, “Do you realize that your child has three last names?”

Ali was caught off guard by the strange question. “What?”

Ash explained, “Jackson Harris Krieger...That’s three last names.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Ali asked with a smirk.

Ashlyn shrugged and answered, “No. Not really. Whatever floats your boat.”

“Are you making fun of my son’s name?”

“No!” Ash exclaimed. “I’m just making an observation. He’s the chillest guy I know.”

Ali shook her head in flirty disapproval and said, “Aren’t you supposed to be comforting my child? Stop making him feel self-conscious about his name.”

“You think he feels bad?” Ash asked. She regretted the entire conversation.

Ali laughed. She couldn’t help it. “Ash, I’m kidding. He has no idea what we’re talking about...but he is still crying, so maybe you should do something about that.”

Ashlyn repeated in a mocking voice, “Maybe you should do something about that.” She sat up a little straighter as if she was about to get down to some serious business. 

Ash stared hard into Jackson’s eyes and said, “Your mother has an attitude. I’m gonna need you to help me shut her up.”

The baby boy held Ashlyn’s gaze and looked to be listening carefully to what she was saying. 

“Keep talking.” Ali whispered. “He stopped crying.”

Ash smiled big and asked the boy, “You’re gonna be my new best buddy, aren’t you?” 

Ali stuck out her bottom lip and pouted a little, “Hey...I’m supposed to be your best buddy.”

Ashlyn ignored the brunette and continued bonding with her new little friend. She started singing silly songs and telling the boy about all the embarrassing moments she could think of involving his mother. She found his ticklish sides with her fingers and earned a few laughs from the baby. Ashlyn told Ali that he wasn’t laughing at her, but with her.

Ali rolled her eyes and continued driving.

...

“So...” Ali said through a yawn. “I wanted to talk to you about a few things.”

“Sounds serious.” Ash replied. She rocked Ali’s son gently in her arms. Ash hadn’t put Jackson down since they had finished unpacking Ali’s things from the moving van.

“It kind of is.” Ali answered. “We haven’t really talked about what our status is.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, I mean...this might be a little awkward but...are we like official now? Or...what?” Ali asked. 

Ashlyn kissed little Jack’s head and answered with a question. “Are you serious?”

“I mean...I don’t want to assume anything.” Ali explained.

“Alex, I drove with you through two states....I played with your son and packed and unpacked that horrible van.” Ash pointed at the nightmare of a vehicle they had spent the day in. “You’re moving into my apartment.”

Ali nodded and waited with a hopeful expectation of what Ashlyn was going to say next.

“If you haven’t figured out by now that I am all in...and absolutely....100% madly in love with you...then I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t want to pressure you.” Ali admitted. “You’ve been through a lot.”

Ashlyn corrected her and said, “We’ve been through a lot.”

“Exactly.” Ali replied. “I don’t want to add more stress into your life. If this is too much, I need you to tell me. Maybe taking it slow is the best thing for us.”

Ashlyn laughed loudly, which woke up the baby. She held him a little closer to give comfort and said, “Alex, I think we’ve taken it slow enough already. I’ve loved you since I first met you. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of putting our happiness on hold. I’m done messing around.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Ali confessed. “It’s not just me and my issues...” Ali looked lovingly at her son and added, “I’ve got him now.”

“Look, I’m not saying that we get married tomorrow, or anything.” Ashlyn stepped in close to Ali. “But honestly, I would totally marry you tomorrow.”

“Ash...” Ali sighed anxiously. “Your entire life will change.”

“That’s what I want.”

“Are you sure?”

Ashlyn pressed a light kiss on Ali’s lips and answered, “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

...

Ali insisted that the two of them sleep in separate rooms. Since Ash had a one bedroom apartment, that meant that Ali slept on the couch with Jack’s crib next to her. She said that she didn’t want Jackson’s late night/early morning crying to interrupt Ashlyn’s normal sleep routine. 

Ali’s good intentions didn’t last past the first night. Ashlyn moved Jack’s crib and changing table into the master bedroom the next day, while Ali took a nap to recover from lack of sleep.

After a week of Ashlyn working with Ali to help her new roommates settle into their new home, Ashlyn asked. “So we’re like a family, huh?” 

She had just finished helping Ali dress Jackson after his second bath of the day. 

“What?” Ali asked, only half listening. Jackson was smiling at her, and distracting her with his big brown eyes.

The last words Ali remembered Ash saying had something to do with a joke about baby Jack’s amazing ability to fill a diaper so easily for having such a small body.

Ashlyn held up the dirty diaper before throwing it away and said, “I feel like we’ve got a thing happening here...but I don’t want to assume.”

“Hmm?” Ali hummed in the blonde’s direction. “Babe, come here. You gotta see Jackson’s cute little face.”

Ashlyn didn’t move. She stared Ali down.

It took about a minute for Ali to realize it.

“What?” She asked. Ali finally gave Ashlyn her full attention.

“You called me ‘babe.” Ash answered. “That’s the first time.”

Ali’s face broke out in a smile. “You are my babe now.” Ali corrected herself while gesturing to her son, “Well, I also have this babe over here, too.” Ali joked, “Hopefully, that won’t be a problem.”

“So...just to be clear.” Ash said. “It’s the three of us...not you two and then just me...right?” 

Now Ali was really paying attention. “What are you asking?”

“Like, what do you think of us?” Ash asked. She was having a really hard time coming up with the right words to say how she was feeling.

“I don’t understand the question.” Ali replied. She noticed that Ash seemed anxious about what she was inquiring. 

“I mean...I know it’s you two.” Ash explained, gesturing toward Ali and Jackson. “And me and you...” Ash cleared her throat and asked, “But...is it also the three of us? Like...what am I to him?”

Now Ali understood the anxiety coming off of her girlfriend. 

“It is a little different, isn’t it?” Ali said. “In my mind, you will one day be his mother...my wife.” Ali’s eyes searched Ashlyn’s face for her reaction when she added, “If that’s what you want.”

Ashlyn chewed on her lip, trying to keep from crying. “That is what I want.” She answered with a shake in her voice. “That’s the only thing I want.”


	10. True Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers a lot of time and details about their little family. I hope you enjoy.

“Baby, hurry up. We gotta go!” Ali yelled from the front door of their apartment. She opened the door and greeted Whitney in a gentle, calm tone...as if she hadn’t just screamed through the house like a crazy woman.

Whitney laughed. She easily heard Ali’s outburst through the door, but she didn’t let on when she asked, “You two ready?” 

“Almost.” Ali answered. “Give us a sec.” Ali said, and hurried toward the room where her girlfriend and son were.

Ashlyn had Jackson in her arms. He held tightly to her neck.

“Alex, he doesn’t like it when you yell.” Ash scolded. “You scared him.”

Ali immediately went to Jackson. She covered his face with kisses and his tummy with tickles. Once the baby smiled and laughed, she said, “See...he’s fine.” Ali gave Ash’s butt a pat and said, “And we have to go.”

Ashlyn was very protective of Jackson. The two women rarely left him alone with a babysitter, but Ash had other reasons for not wanting to go.

Ali pulled Ash out of her anxious thoughts when she took Jackson from her arms.

“Auntie Whit is here to play with you.” Ali said in an upbeat tone to her son. “You are going to have so much fun with her.”

Ali gave the baby a goodbye kiss and instructed Ash to do the same. 

Ashlyn didn’t move until Ali literally dragged her towards the door. 

“I don’t want to do this.” Ash whined.

Whitney rolled her eyes at her friend, making no attempt to sound empathetic. “Don’t be stupid. You have to go.” 

Ali didn’t care for the ‘tough love’ approach. She put her arm around Ash’s waist and stood beside her in a tight side hug. From that moment until the moment they returned a few hours later, Ali kept some kind of physical contact with her girlfriend.

...

“Wanna talk about it?” Ali asked. She was driving, but was also trying to keep an eye on Ashlyn.

Ash had been quiet since she woke up that morning, but after her appointment with her eye doctor, she had taken it to a whole new level. The women’s hands were attached across the center console of Ali’s car. But other than that, Ashlyn was detached. Her attention was somewhere else. Her eyes were unfocused and pointed out the window.

Ali gently pulled on Ash’s hand and said, “Babe, we’ll get a second opinion.”

“He was the second opinion.” Ash argued.

Ali encouraged, “Then we’ll get a third one.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d rather not talk about it right now.” Ash said. She was begging for Ali to let it go. She didn’t have the heart to discuss the fact that her soccer career was probably over.

“Whatever you want.” Ali replied. She would have rather talked it out before getting home, but Ashlyn clearly wasn’t up to it.

Once the two arrived home, Ali hurried inside to relieve Whitney of babysitting duties. Ashlyn was thankful for the time alone. She used it to cry over her lost dream in private.

...

“He’s been acting weird the whole time you were gone.” Whitney explained. “He doesn’t have a fever. I checked.”

“How has he been acting weird?” Ali asked. She held Jackson close. 

Whit shrugged and answered, “I don’t know. He just seemed a little standoffish.”

Jack did seem a little off, but he didn’t act as if he was in pain, or sick. The moment Ashlyn walked through the door, he stretched his arms out toward her. Ash was glad for the affection. She took him from Ali’s arms and walked away towards the bedroom.

“She looks about as happy to see me as Jackson was.” Whitney said. 

“It’s not you.” Ali replied. 

Whitney knew the reason for Ashlyn’s doctor visit and assumed the worst. “She ok?”

Ali sadly shook her head and answered as honestly as she could, “I don’t know.”

...

“Come to bed.” Ali whispered from underneath the covers of their bed.

Ash had spent the rest of the day caring for little Jackson. Ali loved how much Ashlyn loved the boy, but she knew there was more than just love motivating Ash’s actions. 

After calling Ash to bed, Ali added, “I know why you prefer Jack’s company to mine, but you can’t avoid me forever.”

Ashlyn revealed a small smile when she turned around to face Ali. The blonde climbed into bed next to Ali and filled Ali’s empty shoulder with her head. Ali knew that her girlfriend had come back to her as she held her close.

“I’m not avoiding you.” Ash said. “I’ve been thinking.”

“What are you thinking about?” Ali asked.

Ashlyn mindlessly played with the drawstring of Ali’s sweatpants and answered, “I think it’s probably for the best that this happened. I mean, for Jackson.”

Ali wasn’t sure how to respond to that. She didn’t want her, or her son, to hinder Ashlyn’s life in any way.

“Ash, that’s not true. You don’t need to give up. We’ll get another opinion.”

“Alex, I’m not giving up. I’m facing reality. And reality is that YOU are the one that should be playing soccer now. Me and little man talked about it all day. We are gonna be your biggest fans.” Ash replied.

Ali tapped on Ashlyn’s stomach, signaling that she wanted to sit up. Ash moved and sat up with her.

“Ash, I am not going to let you do that. I missed my chance. You shouldn’t have to pay for my bad decisions.”

“Either you take a chance, or both of us won’t play.” Ashlyn replied. “I lost 50% of my peripheral vision in my left eye. I can’t be a goalkeeper anymore. We have to face the facts, Alex. It doesn’t matter how much you support me, or love me, that’s not going to change. No team is going to want a keeper who can’t see.”

Ashlyn laid back down and this time let Ali rest in her arms. “Now...” Ash added, “...Little man and me talked it out. We are gonna get matching Krieger jerseys and paint our faces. When you and your team are on the road we’ll hold down the fort together. You don’t have to worry about a thing.”

“Why are you so good to me?” Ali asked.

Ash answered, “Because you deserve it.”

...

“I’m dying.” Ali said, completely out of breath. 

“You still have another mile to run.” Ashlyn instructed. Jackson sat on her shoulders as she trained Ali on a treadmill. 

After Ashlyn pressed a few buttons to increase the speed, Ali whined, “You’re trying to kill me.” 

“No pain, no gain, Alex.” Ash replied. She had zero sympathy for her girlfriend.

“You’re evil!”

...

“I think this confirms my doubts.” Ali said. She wanted to cry, but held off because of her son’s presence. 

Ashlyn was close to tears, too. “What?” 

“I can’t leave him now.” Ali explained. “He needs consistency.”

Ali and Ash had just been informed by Jackson’s doctor that he had early signs of mild autism. 

“Alex, it could be nothing. We don’t know for sure.” Ashlyn argued.

Ashlyn’s reason wasn’t good enough. “I’m not going to risk his quality of care for soccer. He is way more important.”

“I agree.” Ash said. “But we don’t know anything for sure. The doc said that if he does have it that it could be just a mild case. Why can’t we stay positive and see how things work out? Alex, you deserve a second chance.”

“Because I can’t let anything happen to him!” Ali replied. “He’s the one who gave me the courage to leave my ex. He’s the one who gave me my life back. He’s the one that matters most. I don’t want to hurt him.”

Ali had told Ash about the final push that inspired her to leave her ex-husband. It was during one of their many fights. Her ex-husband had screamed at her in anger. Normally she would stand there and take it, and wait for his temper to subside. However, at this particular time, her unborn child moved and kicked in her stomach, making her feel that he was being affected by the fighting. She felt that baby Jackson was fighting for her. She realized that the best way to love her son, was to fight for herself too. 

“We will figure this out. I promise you. Don’t give up now.” Ash replied.

...

“What if this is what it’s all about?” Ash asked. 

Ali had been offered a contract with a team in DC. They were discussing what would be best for Jackson. He had just turned one and it was clear he had special needs. Their little family had developed a routine that he was comfortable with. Moving to another state, another house, even another room, might be too much for him. 

“What do you mean?” Ali asked.

Ash held her girlfriend and said, “We both agree that Jack is the best thing that has ever happened to us, right?”

“Yeah...” 

“Well, if it wasn’t for your stupid ex-husband and my inability to tell you how I felt, our boy wouldn’t be here. And now, I can’t play soccer anymore...but maybe it’s for the best. I can stay with Jackson. I can take care of him while you’re away. We can keep things consistent because one of us will always be with him.” Ash explained. 

Ali felt that it wasn’t fair for Ashlyn to have to give up so much for her. She hated it.

“Ash, I don’t think we should move. This is our home.”

Ashlyn didn’t want to sound cliché, but the statement was true. “We are each other’s home, babe.” Ash continued, “I moved here because of soccer. I don’t have that anymore. We can move to your hometown, where we will have lots of help with Jack if we need it. I think it’s a no-brainer.”

“You’ve already given up so much for us...”

“Alex, we’re a family. It’s not a hard choice for me to make.” Ashlyn replied. “I’ve told you a hundred times that all I want is for you to be happy.” Ashlyn kissed Ali’s forehead and added, “Besides, what’s keeping us here now? This place is too small anyway. It’s probably better for us to move now while he’s still young, than to wait until later when he really knows what’s going on. Whatever he needs, we’ll give it to him. I promise you, Alex...he will get the best care possible.”

...

Jackson’s early diagnosis seemed to be confirmed as he grew older. His temperament often matched the sounds and people around him. Ali and Ash learned the hard way that he needed to be in a calm environment whenever possible. This meant that if he ever went to one of Ali’s games, that they had to be in a suite or in the locker room, where the volume could be controlled. 

One thing that both women were grateful for, was that he didn’t push away their affection like he did everyone else. In fact, Ali and Ash’s embrace would often be the only thing that could settle him down on his bad days. 

Ali had fallen in love with Ashlyn more every day as she watched her patiently care for their son. It was on one day in particular, that she realized that Ashlyn’s love allowed her to have everything she had ever dreamed of.

It happened after a home victory for Ali’s team. Her family had all joined Ashlyn and Jackson in their usual suite to watch the game. As always, Ash waited until most of the fans had cleared out before taking Jackson down to the field to greet his mother. Ashlyn held a bouquet of roses in one hand and held tight to Jackson’s little hand as they walked the width of the pitch to get to Ali. The moment Ali saw them approach, she smiled big and dropped to her knees with her arms spread wide. Two year old Jackson let go of Ash’s hand and ran to her. His steps were wobbly and he fell a couple of times, but his excitement and love for his mother were unstoppable.

Ali scooped him up in her arms and carried him to Ashlyn.

They met each other with a kiss. Ash handed the flowers to Ali, getting a surprised look.

“What are these for?” Ali asked. She wasn’t used to getting flowers at a game...not unless it was a special occasion.

“Little man and I wanted to show you how much we love you.” Ash answered.

Ali smiled and teared up a little. “That’s so sweet, baby. Thank you.”

Jackson was a boy of few words, but Ashlyn and him had practiced a short sentence. Ash rubbed his back and said, “Tell Mommy what we practiced.”

Instead of speaking, Jack laid his head down shyly on Ali’s shoulder.

“You can do it, buddy.” Ash encouraged. “Tell Mommy...”

He lifted his head and said, “Marry us?”

Ali hadn’t heard him ever say anything that sounded like what she had just heard. The words didn’t make sense coming out of his mouth. She thought he must have said something wrong.

“What was that, sweetheart?” She asked him to repeat himself.

Ashlyn patted the boy’s pocket and reminded him of it’s contents. He fumbled with his uncoordinated hands and pulled out a string. 

Ali watched as he continued to pull at a long string. 

Finally, she saw what it was tied to.

“Ashlyn...” Ali said breathlessly. She took the ring from her son and looked up at her girlfriend.

Ash got down on one knee and prompted Jackson one more time. “Say what we practiced, little man.”

The boy rocked back and forth and said, “Marry us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only a couple chapters left. If you have some questions that you would like answered, let me know. I love hearing from you.


	11. Mine

Pinoe grabbed Ali’s left hand and said, “My girl, put a ring on it!”

HAO chimed in, “I’m still waiting for a thank you from you two, by the way.” Heather felt she was the one that made it possible for Ash and Ali to finally get together. “A card, a gift...maybe some money....whatever. I’m flexible.”

“You’re lucky that Ash didn’t kill you. She was pissed when she saw me in her apartment.” Ali replied.

HAO held up her hand and said, “Listen, that was then...this is now. Ya’ll are getting married and happier than ever. I’m the one who is to thank for that!”

Whitney rolled her eyes and interrupted with her sarcastic opinion. “Sure HAO, it has nothing to do with these two idiots finally figuring out that they loved each other.”

Ali laughed, “Poor Whitney. You had to put up with a lot.” Ali put an arm around Whit’s shoulder and said to the group, “There were moments where I thought she wanted to kill me.”

Whit added, “That’s because I wanted to kill you.”

Cheney diffused the tension by asking, “How did she do it?” 

Ali’s cheeks reddened when she thought about how her fiancé chose to propose. She shyly looked down at the ground and nervously smiled. 

Whitney already knew the whole story. She held back a smile, thinking about when her best friend called her and told her that she was going to propose. Ashlyn knew she would marry Ali from the first day the brunette finally left her ex-husband, so Whit wasn’t surprised. What surprised her was how nervous Ashlyn sounded. Ashlyn hadn’t eaten for almost three days leading up to the proposal. 

“It will probably sound unromantic to you guys.” Ali said. “But to me, it was perfect.”

“How’d she do it?” Lauren asked again. She had recently gotten engaged and loved a good proposal story.

“It was after a game.” Ali answered. 

“In front of everyone?” Pinoe asked. 

“Not really. My parents were there, and there were a few fans leaving the stadium, but it felt like it was just the three of us.” Ali explained.

“The three of you?” Lauren asked. 

Ali’s cheeks filled with red again as she explained, “It probably doesn’t make sense to you, but she brought Jackson along. In fact, he was the one who proposed.” Ali laughed and then wiped away a tear. “When you’re a mother...especially to a child with special needs...there’s nothing more beautiful than seeing the person that you’re madly in love with, love your child and make him feel important.

Whitney added confidently, “Ash definitely loves Jackson.”

“She adores him.” Ali said. “She might love him more than she loves me.” Ali stopped to smile. She couldn’t help it. Just thinking about Ashlyn and Jackson’s relationship made her feel like the luckiest person in the world. “To be honest, he might be more hers than he is mine.”

“So...Jackson proposed?” HAO asked. 

“Yeah.” Ali answered. “Which means that Ash patiently worked with him to learn the phrase and practiced how to give me the ring. She included him in every detail. She even had him say, ‘Marry US.’ She made it about all of us. It was beautiful. I don’t know what I did to deserve her.”

“I don’t know what you did either.” Whitney added. 

Though her comment was sarcastic and got a few laughs, Ali knew there was some truth to it. Whitney knew better than anyone how much Ashlyn had been through because of her. She felt that underneath the joking comments, Ash’s best friend still held a grudge against her. 

Ali didn’t talk about it, but she always felt as if she owed Whitney a huge debt for sticking by Ash when she couldn’t be the friend Ashlyn needed. 

“Both Jackson and I are very lucky to have her in our lives. She’s our happily ever after.” Ali added. 

“Ehhh, barf!” Pinoe interrupted. “Keep the sappy stuff to yourself.” 

“You’re the one who brought it up!” Ali said, defending herself. 

The locker room filled with laughter and towels being used to inflict pain on one another’s bare legs.

Ali loved being back on the national team, but she missed her little family more than ever.

...

Jackson sat in Ashlyn’s lap. It was his first ride on a plane and the experience was overwhelming. Ash held him in a tight embrace and tried to talk to him to keep his mind off of the turbulence that the plane was experiencing. She was starting to question the plan her and Ali had devised for the two of them to join the national team in Florida. Both women had family there and thought it would be a good time to celebrate their engagement.

Ali got special permission to use one of the team vans to pick up her family from the airport. The first sight of Ash and Jackson revealed to Ali how difficult the trip was. Ali watched as Ashlyn tried desperately to comfort her son. Ashlyn was too focused on quieting the boy’s cries that she didn’t see Ali watching them from baggage claim. 

Ali rushed to the bottom of the escalator to meet Ash and Jackson. She tried to take the crying boy from her fiancé's arms, but he was too distraught to know it was her hands that were touching him. He cried even louder and became more upset. 

Ali put a hand on Ashlyn’s lower back and led her to an area where there weren’t a lot of people. 

“Baby, sit down.” Ali instructed. Her voice got Jackson’s attention. He looked up and with his sad, teary eyes he saw his mother’s face. He stretched out both arms to her.

In a way, Ali loved the affection. He was upset and needed her. It made her feel like the most important thing in the world was to be Jackson’s mother. On the other hand, her son was hurting and she absolutely hated it.

Ashlyn’s checked suitcase circled the baggage carrousel several times before she grabbed it. Both women felt it better to let the crowd dissipate before moving from the safety of the bench where they were seated. 

“Ready?” Ash asked as she approached Ali. She rolled her suitcase behind her and carried Jackson’s car seat with her free hand. 

Ali saw the weariness in her fiancé’s face. “I’m sorry.” Ali said softly. Jack had calmed down, but he still had a few sniffles left. Ash replied with a tired smile and a gentle kiss.

“Love you.” Ali whispered. 

“You too.” Ash replied. 

Ashlyn followed Ali out to the car. She put the car seat in the van and waited for Ali to fasten Jackson in safely. Ash chose to sit in the back with Jack to keep him calm while Ali drove them to the hotel.

Ali and Ashlyn had purchased a separate room for Ash and Jackson to stay in while the national team finished their training. The team had one more friendly before the players were released. Ali stayed with them for as long as she could before having to return to team activities.

“Mama...don’t like.” Jackson cried. He shared a bed with Ashlyn and something in the room was upsetting him. 

Ashlyn pulled the sheet and comforter up over their heads and used the screen of her phone as a light. She started to sing a silly song that they had learned from one of Jack’s favorite cartoons. The boy joined in singing and eventually fell asleep with his hands holding tightly to Ashlyn’s arm. 

Ali arrived the next morning and knew immediately what had happened the night before when she saw that her fiancé and son were hiding under the covers. She scanned the room and wondered what might have set the boy off. Maybe it was the color of the carpet, or a sound that only he could hear, or maybe a smell that was unnoticeable to anyone but him. 

She carefully uncovered Ashlyn’s head and woke her up with a kiss. 

“What happened?” Ali whispered. 

Ash slowly blinked until her eyes were able to focus on her beautiful future wife. “Something upset him. He never said. He just said he didn’t like something in the room.” She answered.

“Sorry. You think you two are up to getting some breakfast?” 

“I’m afraid to wake him.” Ash replied. “There’s something in this room that makes him uncomfortable.” 

“How bad was the meltdown?” Ali asked. She had witnessed her son completely lose it over the simplest thing.

“It wasn’t bad. He told me that he was upset and we made a makeshift safety fort with the blankets. We sang a little bit and he quickly fell asleep. It could’ve been a lot worse.” Ash answered.

“I can stay with him if you need a little break.” Ali offered. She could only imagine what Ashlyn had been through the day before in order to get their son to Florida.

Ash yawned and replied, “I would rather we all just hang out together.”

“You’re sweet.” Ali said. She kissed Ashlyn’s sleepy head and then searched through Ash’s suitcase for an outfit for Jackson. “If you wanna take a shower and get dressed I can stay with him and help him get ready.” Ali suggested. 

“How much time do you have?” Ash asked. 

“Enough time.” Ali answered.

Ash raised her eyebrows hopefully and asked, “Is enough time...enough time for you to give our boy a bath while I sleep?”

Ali laughed. “You want to sleep? I think I can arrange that.”

Ali climbed into bed next to Jackson and rubbed his back to gently wake him up. The handsome boy slowly woke up for his mother as Ashlyn fell back to sleep.

...

Ash and Jackson wore matching Krieger jerseys. It was Ali’s first start for the national team since returning to soccer, and Ashlyn stressed to their son how proud they should be of her before the game. Upon their arrival, Ash put a pair of noise canceling headphones on Jackson. She painted them to look like he had a soccer ball on each of his sensitive ears. 

The team made special arrangements for Ashlyn and Jackson to sit on the bench with the team. It was enclosed in the back and sides and with Jack sitting in Ashlyn’s lap on the end of the bench and his Aunt Whitney next to him, he was completely surrounded by people who made him feel safe. 

With his special headphones he was able to handle the noise of the stadium. Even though Ashlyn had to stay still, it was a great experience for both of them. Ash missed her time with the team more than she could ever explain. The game was a sweet taste of what she used to take for granted.

After the game, Ali greeted their son with a kiss and gave her fiancé a careful hug.

“Sorry I’m so sweaty.” Ali apologized. Her perspiration kept her from getting too close to Ashlyn and especially their son. 

Ashlyn replied, “Babe, you played awesome!” 

Jackson struggled with his headphones. He wanted them off and wanted to be in Ali’s arms. She put both her hands up and stepped away. She knew he would be bothered by her wet uniform. 

“Jackson, I’m gonna put on some clean clothes and then come back out to spend all night with you and Mama.” Ali promised.

Jackson hid his face in Ashlyn’s shoulder and pouted. Ali asked her fiancé, “How can I ever resist that face?”

“That cute face will have a fit if you touch him and are all sweaty. We’ll be fine until you shower and change. I promise.” Ashlyn replied.

Ali sighed, “You’re my hero. You know that?”

“I may have been told that a time, or two.”

“Love you.” Ali said, as she hurried to the locker room. She heard her son beg her to come back. It made her want to cry. 

She showered and changed in record time.

...

Ali met her family in the parking lot. Ashlyn paced back and forth with Jackson in her arms. Ali worried that their son was having a meltdown. 

“Everything ok?” The defender asked. 

Ashlyn promptly handed Jackson over and explained, “We have company.”

“What? Who?” Ali asked. She searched the area for an answer. 

Ashlyn pointed across the parking lot and said, “Your ex.”

Ali followed her fiancé’s finger and felt her heartbeat speed up. “Why is he here?” Ali asked. 

“He brought his parents. According to his mother, I have no rights to our son and she intends to raise him right.” Ashlyn’s neck and face were bright red. Ali had never seen her so upset.

“Ash, it doesn’t matter what anyone says. You’re as much Jackson’s mother as I am.” Ali reached out and squeezed her hand. “I’ll talk to them.”

“Alex, I don’t want you talking to them.” Ashlyn replied. “They're poison. All they do is hurt people. I don’t want you, or Jackson anywhere near them.”

“What should we do?” Ali asked. “Do you think they will follow us if we leave?”

“I don’t know.” Ash answered. 

“Baby, I think the only option is for me to talk to them. Stay here with Jackson.” Ali said. She didn’t wait for Ash to argue. She knew that her fiancé didn’t approve of her decision, but she didn’t see any other way.

Ashlyn watched from afar with Jackson safe in her arms. Ali calmly spoke to her ex’s family. Ashlyn had decided that if anyone got out of the car she would go over and stand next to Ali for support. Fortunately, Ashlyn didn’t have to worry for too long. After only a couple minutes of conversation, Ali made her way back to her family.

Ash stayed calm for the sake of Jackson, but had to ask. “What do they want?” 

“They want to see Jackson.” Ali answered. She purposely kept her voice steady and calm...not just for her son, but also for her soon-to-be wife.

Ash felt an immediate surge of anger. “What did you say?” Ashlyn asked. She kept an eye on Ali’s ex-husband’s car as it drove away.

“I explained our special situation.” Ali answered, referring to Jackson’s sensitive nature.

Ash wished that Ali would have stopped there. She was hoping that her fiancé would deny her ex any access to the little boy that had become Ashlyn’s world...but Ali had more to say.

“They agreed to meet us tomorrow for lunch.”

Ashlyn met the love of her life’s eyes with an icy stare. She was pissed. 

“Alex, they don’t deserve to be anywhere near him!” Ashlyn whispered angrily.

Ali once again resorted to calm, steady tones. “Baby, he’s his father. He pays child support. He has every legal right to see his son.”

Just the words ‘his son’ made Ashlyn want to scream. “He has no right!” 

“Ash...” Ali reached over the center console and gently stroked Ashlyn’s arm in hopes to help her relax. “...Technically, he has every right.”

...

The next morning Ali explained to Ashlyn that it would be better for her to stay in the hotel while she took Jackson to meet his father. Ash wanted to fight, but she felt she had no place to say anything. Regardless of what Ali assured her of, Ashlyn couldn’t get past the thought that she had no legal rights to Jackson. 

...

The moment Ali entered their hotel room, Ash took Jackson from her arms and held him close. She sat down on the bed with the two year old in her arms and cried.

“Ash...” Ali whispered softly. “Our baby’s ok.”

“What does he want?” Ash asked. 

Ali sighed sadly, knowing what the day’s events had put her fiancé through. “His mom is pressuring him to be more of a presence in Jackson’s life.” Ali sat down next to the two people that had become her whole world and said, “But I wouldn’t worry about it. He didn’t seem interested. It was his mother who did all the talking, and when it came time for him to try to connect with Jack, he just stared at him. I think he was disappointed, or something.”

“Disappointed?” Ash asked. “Little man is too good for all of them!”

“I agree.” Ali replied. “But our sweet boy didn’t look up once during lunch. He rocked nervously. The more they tried to touch him, or talk to him, the more he shied away. I think it made them uncomfortable.”

Ashlyn never in a million years would have imagined that Ali’s ex-husband’s family would ever NOT be able to see how perfect Jackson was. She didn’t know how to respond. 

“They have a lawyer.” Ali added. “I think we should get one, too.” Ali rubbed Ashlyn’s back and said, “Ash, this is supposed to be a happy time. We have an engagement party and lots of friends and family to celebrate with. All of whom are madly in love with our little boy. I think we need to stay positive. I know my ex. He’s not one to stick around for responsibility. My guess is that it’s all his mother’s doing. He’s always had a hard time saying no to her. But I think that after our meeting, he’ll want to run fast and far from us.”

...

Ali was right in her assumptions. Her ex-husband was not the one who initiated the talks with the lawyer to gain more access to their son. He was more along for the ride, letting his controlling mother lead the way. After their lunch date, he and his parents backed off. 

However, Ashlyn couldn’t shake the thought of someone trying to take her son away from her.


	12. Holding Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you have wondered when I would stop torturing them and let them be happy. Here are some happy times for you...
> 
> The chapter is set up as snapshots. Each section happens in a different moment in time. They are all within a year of each other and happen chronologically. 
> 
> Jackson is 3 in this chapter.
> 
> Hopefully, it all makes sense.

Ali had to make a stop at a local pharmacy on her way home from practice. The moment she opened the door to their small house in DC she heard her fiancé coughing.

“Baby, you sound terrible.” Ali said, announcing her presence.

She stopped at the fridge to get Ash some water and got a head start on opening the prescription bottle Ashlyn’s doctor had called in. She checked their bedroom first, but Ashlyn wasn’t there. Ali wasn’t surprised. Their son rarely let Ash out of his sight when they were home alone. Because of Ali’s soccer schedule, Ash had become his primary caretaker and greatest source of security...not to mention his best friend.

Ali found her family sitting on the floor of Jackson’s room. Ashlyn was sitting against a wall watching their son quietly play with his toys on the floor. At the sight of Ali, he stood up, hugged her, and then went back to playing. Ash had worked with him for almost a month to get him to remember to hug Ali whenever she got home. It was a great surprise and absolute gift that Ali cherished. Their son rarely initiated affection unless first prompted by Ashlyn. He had now gotten used to the act of hugging his mother without a second thought.

“I love you, baby.” Ali said lovingly to her son.

The three year old replied, “Jack-Jack not a baby.” 

“You’re right. You’re a big boy.” Ali replied, correcting herself. 

Jackson took things very literal. His parents tried not to confuse him, but they both slipped up occasionally. Ali was more prone to confuse the boy than Ashlyn. She spent more time away with people who communicated normally. It was very easy for her to slip up. Thankfully, Jackson didn’t usually get upset by these sort of things, even though he always felt the need to set his parents straight.

Ali shared a smile with Ash before sitting down next to her on the floor. 

“Have you slept at all?” Ali asked.

Ash shook her head, confirming Ali’s suspicion that she hadn’t.

“Drink this and take your medicine.” Ali instructed. She handed Ash the water and medication. “Go to bed. Jackson and I will get started on making dinner while you rest.”

Ali was about to give the sick blonde a kiss when Ashlyn coughed up something disgusting. 

“Seriously, babe.” Ali said. “You need to go lay down.”

Ashlyn laughed, which sounded so sad. Her voice was raw from coughing all day. Ali stood up first and then helped Ash up. After a quick hug, she shooed Ashlyn away to their room.

It didn’t take long for Ashlyn to join her family in the kitchen. Ali wanted to scold her, but with little Jackson’s ears nearby she settled for a disapproving look. 

“Can’t sleep.” Ash said, knowing what Ali was thinking. Ashlyn sat in the chair next to Jackson’s booster seat and rested her head on the table. 

Ali rolled her eyes. “You think you’ll be able to fall asleep out here?”

Ali waited for an answer, but somehow Ashlyn had found a way to fall asleep. Ali shook her head. Jackson wasn’t the only one who needed his best friend to feel secure. Ali had learned that Ash needed his presence to feel comfortable almost as much as he needed hers.

...

“She should be here any minute.” Ali said. 

Her fiancé had left to pick up a few snacks for Jackson while they visited with Ali’s family. Ashlyn left almost an hour ago. Ali was starting to worry. The small grocery store was less than a mile away and Ashlyn had left with a very short list of things to find. She should have already made it back.

Ali would have left a while ago to look for her fiancé if it wasn’t for Jackson. 

Ashlyn returned about twenty minutes later. She had a fresh scrape on her face and one blood soaked knee. Ali watched in worry as the blonde slipped past everyone and made her way to the bathroom. The brunette double checked Jackson and made sure that he was occupied with his coloring book before checking on Ashlyn.

“What happened?” Ali asked as she closed the bathroom door behind her.

Ashlyn was embarrassed. She didn’t want to say. “It’s nothing.” Ashlyn replied.

“Babe, it’s not nothing. What happened? Did you fall?”

“Sorta...” Ash answered vaguely.

Ali took the wet washcloth from Ashlyn’s hand and dabbed the raw skin of Ashlyn’s forehead. “Ashlyn, what happened?”

“I got hit by a kid on a bike.” Ash confessed. “I didn’t see him. He came from my left side.”

“You didn’t see him?” Ali asked. She had clearly heard Ashlyn’s explanation, but wanted more details. 

“I don’t know if he came out of nowhere, or if I should have been able to see him.” Ash admitted. 

She felt ashamed. She had made a stupid decision almost four years ago and she still suffered the consequences from it. Every time her eyesight caused her problems, she was reminded of the day that she chose to find comfort in a bottle, but found a greater pain instead.

“You ok?” Ali asked.

Ash answered with a shrug, “Yeah, it’s just a couple scrapes.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Ali replied. “Are you ok?”

“I feel like an idiot.” Ash answered honestly.

Ali took Ash’s face in her hands and kissed her nose before saying, “You’re not an idiot. You’re amazing.”

“What do you know?” Ash said with a slight smile. “You agreed to marry me. You’re a bigger idiot than I am.” 

The couple shared a laugh before Ali said, “Your favorite boy has been asking about you ever since you left. He agrees with me, by the way...He thinks you’re amazing too.”

Ashlyn didn’t even try to hide the smile that the thought of their son brought to her face.

A few minutes later little Jackson watched as his favorite people in the entire world exited the bathroom hand-in-hand. He raised his arms up and called out to Ashlyn. Ash brought Ali’s hand to her lips and placed a kiss on it before letting it go so she could pick up the excited three year old. 

“Mama has ouchie.” Jackson stated as he pressed down on the bright red, scraped skin on Ash’s forehead. 

The pressure of Jackson’s fingertip hurt like crazy, but Ash was too mesmerized by the boy’s kind, brown eyes to notice. Without prompting he kissed Ashlyn’s ‘ouchie’ and hugged her neck.

Ali watched the tenderness shared between the two and marveled at her son’s ability to love. Even with all of his challenges, and his unique perspective, he proved over and over again that there was so much more to him than what people could see.

That night after Jackson had gone to bed, Ashlyn shared with Ali a quiet conversation she had had with the boy earlier. 

“He asked me why I kissed your hand. He wanted to know if you had an ouchie, too.” Ash explained.

“What did you say?” Ali asked. She was always impressed with Ashlyn’s ability to explain things to their three year old. 

“I told him that sometimes when you want someone to know you love them and are happy you kiss them.” Ash smiled and added, “I told him you make me very happy.”

“Did he understand?” 

“I think so. He kissed my hand before he went back to play with his train set.” 

Ali swooned. “That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Ashlyn laughed, “Babe, you say that about something he does almost every day.”

“I can’t help it. He’s the sweetest, most wonderful boy ever!” Ali replied. 

Ashlyn couldn’t argue with that logic.

...

Ashlyn stood in a suit and tie at the front of a small church. Whitney and Ash's brother stood in line next to her, but the spot closest to her was reserved for a very special little boy. 

Both Ash and Ali wanted Jackson to be a part of their small wedding. They knew that he wouldn’t want a lot of attention. They thought about making him the ring bearer, but knew he would be uncomfortable walking down the aisle in front of everyone. There would be too many eyes on him. 

Ashlyn came up with the idea to have him stand next to her and hold her hand through the ceremony. Throughout the service he would often hide behind Ashlyn. Ali watched as her very soon-to-be wife would acknowledge the boy with a comforting pat, or hug, without missing a beat. 

Jackson held Ashlyn’s hand with both of his own and pressed his face against her with his eyes closed. Ali was close to reaching out to him to ease his insecurities, but stopped when she saw her son kiss Ashlyn’s hand.

She remembered Ashlyn’s words from several months before and realized that her son wasn’t scared. 

He was happy...

After the ceremony, reception, and last minute arrangements, it was time for the couple to leave their wedding guests.

“Not many people would agree to take their child on a honeymoon.” Ali said. She had secretly hoped that Ash would push for a little time alone. 

Ash smiled and replied, “Alex, I promised our son that he was just as important as the two of us are today. There’s no way I wouldn’t include him.”

“But don’t you want to have some romantic time?” Ali tried not to sound too desperate, but she was feeling desperate.

“Babe, we can still be romantic.” Ash assured her. “We can walk on the beach and watch the sunset....Jackson will love all of that.”

Ali didn’t know whether to laugh, or cry.

“My mom said she would watch him.” Ali offered.

“Alex, we only have a weekend left here. We don’t want him to miss out. I haven’t had a chance to show him the ocean yet.” 

Ali sighed in slight frustration. Ashlyn wasn’t catching any of the subtle hints she was throwing. “Baby, I want Jack to see the ocean too, but I would also like to have some alone time with my new wife...” Ali said. She felt she may need to be even more clear so she added, “...for sexual purposes.”

“Oh...” Ash said. A smirk immediately appeared on her face, revealing one of the dimples that Ali had come to love. “I guess I thought we could do that AFTER little man fell asleep. He takes like three naps a day.”

“You promise at least three times....a day?” Ali asked seductively. 

Ash wiggled her eyebrows up and down and said, “I can guarantee four. Don’t forget when he goes to sleep for the night.”

Ali suddenly felt much better about their weekend plans. 

...

“We’re going to the World Cup!” Ali cheered. 

Ash and Jackson cheered along with her, knowing how much it meant for her to make the roster.

However, the good news wasn’t without it’s difficulties. Ali sighed and asked, “How are we going to do this?”

The question was a big one. Jackson had never been away from Ali for as long as the tournament would require. He also had never taken a long flight out of the country. Everything would feel unfamiliar to the boy who thrived on consistency and predictability.

Even if Ash and their son were able to be there with Ali, they wouldn’t really be WITH Ali. Family didn’t usually get to spend a lot of consistent time with the players. Ash would be taking care of Jackson mostly alone...for almost a month...in a place that was bound to have lots surprises and stimuli that could set off Jack’s sensitivities.

Ali knew it was a lot to ask of her wife.

But Ash didn’t seem too worried. She just shrugged and answered honestly, “I have no idea.”

...

Ali’s parents were there for some of the tournament. Though they were a big help, they couldn’t take Ali’s place. Jackson cried every night, begging Ali to stay with them. Ali snuck out of her room a few different times because she couldn’t take it any longer. Throughout their time there, Ashlyn assured her wife that they were fine. 

When the team won, Ali had eyes only for her wife and son. Ashlyn passed the boy over the railing in the stands before jumping over herself. The family hugged, posed with the trophy, and played in the confetti with the other team kids.

Ali was grateful for the chance to live out her dream of playing in and winning a World Cup, but more than anything all she wanted was to go home.

As she held her little family in her arms in the middle of the biggest celebration of her life, she realized she was holding her happiness.


	13. More Than Expected

Ali was in Denver with the national team. She had been away from her wife and son for almost two weeks when a trainer stopped her during practice and told her she had a family emergency back home. Ali panicked. The phone call to her dad revealed that Ashlyn had been hospitalized and Jackson’s separation anxiety was out of control.

The defender had no other option but to fly home. She hated every second of the journey. She questioned everything during the long trip. She wondered how she could ever leave her family for such a long time without having some kind of emergency plan in place. 

Ali felt guilty about not taking better care of her family, but especially about leaving them in the first place.

...

Jackson had worn himself out and eventually fallen asleep in his grandfather’s arms. It wasn’t until the boy was quiet and sleeping that Ali’s father dared to bring him into Ashlyn’s hospital room. Ashlyn and Jackson were hit by a car that ran a red light. The impact was in the front of the car, leaving Jackson, who was in the back seat, without a scratch.

The blonde was unconscious for the trip to the hospital, but Ken would later tell Ali that she briefly woke up and begged the hospital staff to put off taking her into surgery. She told them that she couldn’t be separated from their son. What Ken kept from telling Ali was that Jackson’s screams were loud enough for half the hospital to hear. Ali’s dad struggled for hours to get the boy to settle down and stop trying to hit himself. It was a total nightmare.

Ali’s father was relieved to see his daughter arrive, but he put a finger up to his lips and whispered, “Shhh.” He nodded down toward his grandson and revealed to Ali the reason for the quiet. 

Ali saw Jackson’s sad, tired face and mouthed the words, “Thank you” to her dad. She turned her attention to her wife, who had a broken arm and concussion. Ashlyn was stable. Her condition wasn’t a cause for great worry, as much as the entire situation was. 

As Ali approached her wife she wanted to cry. Jackson wasn’t the only one who’s anxiety was overwhelming. Ali gently stroked her wife’s hand and thought through all the things that she wish she would have done differently. At the moment, she was second guessing her decision to play soccer and leave her family behind.

Ashlyn wouldn’t wake up for another hour, but Ali’s attention was needed elsewhere once her son woke up. 

“Mommy!’ Jackson cried, the moment he saw that Ali was there. After Ali took the boy in her arms he said, “Mama is hurt.” 

“Mama is hurt, but she will feel better soon.” Ali promised. “Do you want to give Mama a kiss to help her feel better?” Ali asked. Giving a kiss for an injury was a common thing in their family.

Jackson nodded that he did want to give his Mama a kiss, but the closer he got to Ashlyn’s hospital bed, the more anxious he became. Ali gently bounced him in her arms and said, “She’s sleeping right now. Wanna give her a kiss when she wakes up?” 

The boy nodded his head and then laid it down on Ali’s shoulder. He felt safe now that he was in Ali’s arms and close to Ashlyn. 

Ali’s father was happy to see his grandson feeling better. He announced that he needed to leave and promised to come back with food for the family soon. Ali couldn’t imagine what her father had been through before she got there. She hugged and kissed him and instructed Jackson to do the same. 

...

“Ash, we need to talk.” Ali said, after confirming that their son had fallen asleep in Ashlyn’s lap. He hadn’t left her side since they had returned home from the hospital.

Ashlyn was emotionally drained and physically sore. She was in no mood to have a serious conversation. 

“Babe, can it wait? It’s nap time.” Ash said and nodded toward their son with a tired smile. 

“Ash, that’s why now is the time to talk.” Ali replied, “My dad told me about how Jackson acted at the hospital. He said you told the doctors that you didn’t want the surgery because you needed to stay with Jack.”

“He was so upset.” Ash said. “Poor little man.”

Ali gently swept away a few strands of hair from Jackson’s forehead and replied, “Baby, I’m afraid you’re putting too much pressure on yourself when I’m gone. You should be able to have emergency surgery without feeling like you’re letting our son down.”

The blank expression on Ashlyn’s face made it clear to Ali that her wife was confused.

Ali explained, “I think we need to be more proactive about helping Jackson deal with his disability.”

“What do you mean?” Ash asked. She was not only protective of the boy, but adored everything about him. She didn’t like the thought that Ali might be insinuating that he needed to change.

“Don’t get defensive.” Ali said, sensing Ashlyn’s reluctance. “Hear me out. We don’t know how severe his autism is. We...especially you...try very hard to keep him comfortable.” Ali stopped to kiss Ashlyn and said, “I love you for that...but I’m wondering if we’re keeping him from getting past some of his problems.”

“I think we’re doing the best we can.” Ash argued.

Ali felt like she wasn’t being clear. “Ash, I agree. What I mean is that we kind of shelter him from anything that might challenge him. Maybe we are keeping him from reaching his potential.”

Ashlyn skeptically stared at Ali, wondering if there was more going on. Sometimes she felt insecure about her place in Jackson’s life and those feelings were welling up the more her wife spoke.

“Sweetheart...” Ali gently stroked Ashlyn’s cheek and softened her tone. “Our baby doesn’t have any friends his own age. He would prefer to never leave our house.” She sighed and confessed, “Maybe that’s what’s best for him, but I feel like maybe he can handle more. I want him to be the best version of himself. Whatever that looks like is fine with me, but we need to help him have the chance to grow.”

“But what if when we challenge him we aren’t helping him, but hurting him?” Ashlyn asked. The thought of Jackson struggling made her want to cry.

Ali shrugged. “I don’t know. We’re bound to make mistakes, but what if something were to ever really happen to us?”

“What do you mean?”

“Ash, do you know how scared I was when I heard about your accident? I wanted to be with you. And then when I found out that you were ready to postpone your surgery because of Jackson...I mean...Thank God it wasn’t more serious, but imagine if it was worse. Imagine if something in the future happens and we both get injured...or worse.” Ali stole a glance at their son and added, “What would happen to him if the only two people he trusts can’t take care of him?”

“Alex, he’s four. I think it’s natural for a four year old to need his parents.”

“His doctor said that the earlier he get’s treated the better his chances are when he’s older.” Ali replied. “He will always need us, but I think he needs us to help him be more independent.”

Ashlyn didn’t have an answer. Her insecurities got the better of her and she chose to shut down instead of letting her wife know she was hurting. She replied, “Whatever you think. You’re his mother.”

...

“Maybe you should wait out in the hall...” Ali whispered to her wife. 

The behavior therapist had just warned the women that she was going to try a few things that would most likely upset Jackson. She said she was going to teach them how to respond when he wasn’t cooperating and in the middle of a meltdown. The first step was to ignore his screams and not respond to his negative behavior, but to steer him in a better direction by using positive prompts.

Ali’s comment wasn’t to dismiss her wife, it was to protect her. She knew that Ash would have a difficult time listening to their son suffer. Ali wasn’t going to like it either, but she was able to see the bigger picture a little better than Ashlyn. 

Ali didn’t consider what her words might imply. Ash was the one who needed to learn the new techniques the most. She spent the most time with Jackson. Ali was trying to protect her, but ended up hurting her instead. She made Ashlyn feel unnecessary.

Ashlyn rolled her eyes and headed towards the door. It was the therapist’s voice who stopped her. 

“I know it’s going to be hard, but it would be best for you both to be here.”

Ali took Ash’s hand and pulled her close to her. When Ash pulled away, Ali dropped her hand and put her arm around her waist and held her in place next to her. She whispered in Ashlyn’s ear, “I’m sorry.”

The therapist took over from there.

The session wasn’t long, but it felt like forever. Both women had horrible headaches from Jackson’s loud screaming. All three family members were in tears at the end of therapy. 

Ashlyn tried to hug the boy and carry him to the car, but he slapped her hand away. Ali wondered if she had made a huge mistake.

...

“Today was hard.” Ali said quietly. The sound of exhausted defeat was present in her voice.

Ashlyn hadn’t spoken to her since Jackson’s appointment. The four year old had worn himself out and fell asleep in the car on the way home, so the house was painfully quiet while he slept. 

Ash didn’t reply. She was barely holding it together.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I know this is really hard...but I think we made progress.” Ali added, trying to sound positive.

Ashlyn replied by leaving the room.

...

The next morning Jackson seemed to have forgotten about the traumatic experience from the day before. Unfortunately, Ashlyn and Ali couldn’t forget as easily.

“Are you gonna ignore me today, too?” Ali asked.   
 Ashlyn sat on the floor with Jackson and played with a race car track she had built for him in his room. 

When Ash didn’t respond, Ali pushed a little harder, “Ash...I don’t want to leave you like this.” Ali had to return to Denver to train with the national team and wouldn’t see her wife and son for six days.

Ashlyn sighed in frustration. She really didn’t feel like talking to Ali. She would have rather sulked for a while longer, but she sucked it up and said, “You really hurt my feelings.”

“What did I do that hurt you?” Ali asked. 

“I don’t think we should talk about it here.” Ash answered and looked toward their son.

“Ashlyn, I know this isn’t easy, but I really think it’s what’s best. If he has any hope at having a somewhat normal life, we have to be willing to push him when things are hard. I know it’s not fair that I’m leaving right now, but I don’t know what else to do.” 

“Alex, I understand all of that.” Ash replied, feeling annoyed that her wife didn’t get what was bothering her. “And I’m telling you that now isn’t the time to talk about it.”

“I can’t leave with you mad at me.” Ali pleaded. “We need to fix this.”

“I’m not mad at you.” Ash replied. “I told you...I’m hurt.”

Ali sighed sadly, “That doesn’t make me feel any better about leaving.”

“Sorry...but I’m not going to talk about it in front of Jackson.” Ash replied. 

Jackson turned toward Ash upon hearing his name. He held up his favorite race car and said, “Mama...Jack-Jack need help.” 

Ali answered her son’s request by asking, “What do you need?”

Ashlyn already knew the answer. She helped him line up all of his cars in a straight line. 

“He likes them this way.” Ash said. When Ali tried to help, Ash corrected her. “The red one goes next.”

“There’s an order?” Ali asked. She had never known about Jackson’s race car routine.

Ashlyn and Ali reached for the same car when their hands touched. Their eyes met and Ash broke down. Ali embraced her wife and apologized for hurting her. Jackson had no idea what was going on. He scolded the women for getting in his way and messing up the line of cars that he had meticulously made.

Ali used his outburst as an excuse to escort her wife to another room. Jackson seemed happy to see them go, he was intensely focused on his cars.

Once Ali and Ash were in private, Ali asked, “What did I do, Ash? Please forgive me...I’m so sorry.”

Ashlyn wiped her eyes and replied, “It’s not your fault. I’m feeling bad because of me.”

“Baby, please tell me. Don’t blame yourself.”

“I guess I’ve been feeling like I’m not that important...Like I’m not really Jackson’s mother.”

A flood of recent memories went through Ali’s mind. She felt foolish for not figuring it out herself. “Ash, I’m sorry. You know how much we both need you. You are as much his mother as I am.”

“Then why are we doing all of this without talking about it?” Ash asked. 

“We did talk about it.” Ali answered.

“No, we didn’t. You told me what we were doing and I’ve been following you around like an outsider.” Ash argued.

Ali wanted to defend herself, but she felt that her wife had a point.

“Ash, do you think that this is the wrong move for our baby?”

Ashlyn quickly replied, “No. I think that it’s probably the right thing, but I wish I would have had more time to think about it and to have a voice in this decision.”

“You’re right.” 

“I am?” 

Ali nodded and answered, “Yeah, you are. I should have handled this better. Please forgive me. We can slow things down, if you think that would be best.”

Ashlyn eyed her wife suspiciously and asked, “Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

“No.” Ali answered. She pulled her wife into a hug and added, “You know him best. I think you’re opinion holds more weight than mine. Think it over. We’ll talk more about it when I get back.”

After a week of thinking it over, Ashlyn knew that Ali’s instincts were right. Jackson needed help. It was hard and required a lot of tough love, but Ashlyn and Ali did what was best for Jackson. They tried just about everything they could to make sure that he was given every opportunity available to him. 

What they found was that he was capable of much more than they ever expected.


	14. Owe You Everything

“Where’s that blonde bombshell of yours and my little nephew?” Kyle asked. 

His sister had left following an away game to visit him. Ali’s wife and son were expected to meet her at the airport, but Ali had taken a cab to his apartment without Ash and Jackson. 

Ali hugged her brother and as he helped her with her bag she explained, “They missed their flight. Jackson had a meltdown this morning. They’ll be here later.”

“What upset him?” Kyle asked. He held up the coffee pot as if to ask if she wanted any. 

After nodding and signaling she would like a cup, Ali answered, “I wasn’t there.” She sounded guilty and sad. “When Ash tried to get him to eat breakfast, he refused because when we eat together there are usually three plates set at the table.”

“Is he going to be ok staying here?” Kyle asked.

Ali sighed, “I honestly don’t know. We never know what to expect with him. Ash is usually better at picking up on things that might upset him, but there’s no way to know all the time.”

“Poor Jackson.” Kyle replied sympathetically. Even though he rarely received any kind of affection, or even a smile, from the boy, Kyle adored his little nephew.

“Poor Ash.” Ali replied. “I don’t know how she does it. Sometimes I wonder if she would be better off without us.” Ali said. Guilt filled her when she realized how her words may be interpreted. “I know that sounds terrible. Jackson is nothing but a wonderful blessing. But I feel like Ashlyn’s life has completely changed because of us. If it weren’t for me, she would probably still be playing soccer, and would be completely free from the responsibilities and stress of being married to me and the parent of a child with special needs.”

“Ash adores Jackson. And you are the love of her life.” Kyle replied. Loving Ali and Jackson was complicated, but he knew without a doubt that it was worth it. 

“I know.” Ali said. “But I just wonder sometimes...” 

Ali took a deep breath and slowly let it out. She let her thought hang in the air before the two of them changed the direction of the conversation and spoke about the plans for their next couple of days.

...

Ali and Kyle both picked up Ash and Jackson from the airport. After their rough start, Ashlyn said that Jackson handled the rest of the morning like a champ. At lunch Ali held Jack in her lap and wondered what his future would look like. Would he grow up to be a good man? Would people give him a chance to prove that he was more than his diagnosis? Would he ever truly know how much he was loved?

Ali watched her wife laugh and joke around with Kyle. She wondered if it was the first time Ashlyn had smiled that day after Jackson’s hard morning. As her son sorted through the sugar and sweetener packets, she thoughtfully held him close. She breathed in deeply and raised an eyebrow.

Without hesitation she interrupted her wife and brother’s conversation. “Is he wearing your deodorant?” Ali asked. 

Ash smiled and nodded. “He asked for it this morning.” 

“Huh...” Ali hummed. “That’s new.”

Jackson was sensitive to change and smells. It might seem small, and a strange thing to celebrate, but it was kind of a big deal for the boy. His parents had been working tirelessly with his therapist to help him better accommodate change in his routine. A little thing like letting his mother put her deodorant on his body, was actually a huge breakthrough.

Jack arranged the white packets in a line next to the yellow ones. His uncle watched as he stacked the pink ones on top of each other. Kyle asked his sister, “Is that always how he does it?”

Ali nodded.

“I wonder how he decided not to line up all of them the same way.” Kyle said.

Ash answered, “It makes sense to him. He’s probably smarter than all three of us put together. I bet it makes sense on a deeper level than we understand.”

When Ali heard her wife’s words, she couldn’t help but smile. As Jackson grew up, the women learned every day that their son was more than a diagnosis. He was unique. He was perceptive. He was beautiful. He was extraordinary. He was their life.

...

Ali prepped her brother before their family outing at the park. “There is a big possibility that things will not go smoothly.” 

Ali and Kyle watched as Ash and Jackson played a few feet away. Ashlyn pretended to run away and hide from the boy, but she always stayed within sight and at a distance where he could reach for her. 

Ali explained, “There could be a hundred things that upset him...especially in an uncontrolled environment like a public park. We try our best to avoid them if we can, but you never know. Also, he doesn’t like to pose for pictures. Things are gonna get interesting.”

Kyle had packed his camera gear and was excited to get some family shots. He already knew that in the past Jack had shied away from getting his picture taken. His uncle loved capturing moments with his favorite nephew, but he usually had to do it without Jackson noticing.

“Why are we doing this?” Kyle asked. “I don’t want to upset him.”

If Ali were honest, she would tell her brother that she was anxious about the entire situation. “It’s good for him to encounter things that might upset him. If he learns now how to deal with it, it will help him as he grows up and faces more difficult challenges.” Ali said. “Besides, I want a real family picture to hang up in our living room.”

When it came time for the photo session Jackson acted as expected. 

“No!” The boy screamed. He tried to hit himself in the head and struggled to get out of Ashlyn’s grasp. “Jackson doesn’t want to smile.” He yelled.

Kyle waited patiently while his sister and Ash did their best to calm Jackson down. The women were expecting their son to have some sort of outburst. They came prepared. Ali pulled out a notebook from her backpack and drew a line down the middle of a piece of paper. In one column she wrote the word, “FIRST.” In the other column she wrote, “THEN.”

It was a tool that Jack’s therapist had taught them. It was a way to make it clear to him what he needed to do, with the promise of a reward after. Ali would have preferred Ashlyn do the drawing, but her wife’s hands were busy holding Jackson.

Underneath the word “FIRST” Ali drew a square and a picture of a smiley face. She explained to Jackson that it was a picture of him being patient and letting his uncle take his picture. Under the word “THEN” she drew a picture of a car, and explained that there was a toy store nearby that they would go to after he behaved. She promised that he could pick out a new car for his collection.

It took several times of explaining before he settled down long enough to really listen, but soon his attention was on the new toy he would soon have and not on how upset he was about getting his picture taken. 

...

Ashlyn and Ali discussed the next morning’s breakfast routine. 

“I just want to see what he does.” Ash said. She put out two plates for breakfast, just like she had done the day before. One for her and one for Jackson.

The previous morning Jackson had a meltdown because Ashlyn didn’t put out a plate for Ali, who wasn’t home because of a game. He settled down only after Ash added an extra plate for Ali to the table. 

Ali didn’t want to upset their son first thing in the morning. “Baby, are you sure? I don’t want to ruin today by starting of on the wrong foot.”

“Alex, just trust me.” Ash replied. 

Ash had Ali wait in Kyle’s room while she got Jackson ready for breakfast. She helped him get seated and talked with him as if everything was normal. He seemed completely fine. Ash texted her wife and told her to reveal herself. Ashlyn had her sit down, but didn’t give her a plate, or food to eat. She waited to see if Jackson would say anything.

Jackson was completely happy with everything happening around him. He carefully separated his food into sections on his plate and took a few bites once he was satisfied with the placement.

“Hmm...” Ash hummed. She finally gave her wife her share of breakfast and thoughtfully observed their favorite boy.

“What is it?” Ali asked. She felt like her wife was up to something.

Ashlyn’s eyes were noticeably getting glossy. She smiled lovingly at Ali and said, “I think as long as you’re here he’s fine, but when you’re gone he wants us to make sure we always remember you.” Ash pressed her lips against Ali’s cheek and whispered, “Our boy wants to make sure we don’t forget about you when you’re not around.”

“You think so?” Ali asked. Her eyes were fixed on Jackson’s little hands as he meticulously sorted his sausage links. 

Ashlyn nudged Ali playfully with her hip and answered, “Not like we could ever forget about you. You’re the love of both of our lives.”

“How did I get so lucky?” Ali asked. 

Ash bent down and kissed her wife’s forehead. “We’re the ones who are lucky.”

...

After almost an hour of instructions from Ali and Ashlyn, the couple left their beloved son with his uncle. Kyle promised to call at the first sign of trouble. The family had visited with Ali’s brother for a week and the boy seemed comfortable in his uncle’s care. 

Ali and Ashlyn had a plan. 

The short-term plan was to get a little time away for the sake of romance. The long-term, more important plan, was to see if Kyle could be a possible guardian for Jackson, in case anything were to happen to them. No matter what, their son needed more trusted people in his life that could help with his care.

Both women were anxious about how their son would respond to Kyle’s care. They were especially concerned with Jackson’s morning and bedtime routines. 

“Kyle hasn’t called yet.” Ali said, trying to ease Ashlyn’s nerves. “Either he’s still asleep, or everything is fine.”

The women were at a nearby cafe having their breakfast. They were close enough to hurry back and assist Kyle if there were any problems. 

About a half hour later, Kyle texted a picture of Jackson eating his breakfast. Both women smiled when they saw that Ali’s brother had put out two extra plates. They knew that Jackson must have made sure that his uncle didn’t forget about his parents.

There were a couple of phone calls and a Skype call at bedtime, but the couple felt their day away was a huge success. They even stayed a little longer the next day to further enjoy one another’s company.

As the women were finishing up their lunch date, Ali said, “Can I say something before we get back?...I just want you to know that you mean everything to me. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you. The way that you waited for me to get my life together...The love that you have for Jackson...It’s all more than I could have ever wished for.”

“Alex, why are you saying this?” Ash asked. “You saved me.”

“No, Ash...” Ali pulled her wife in close and said, “You saved me...you saved us.” Ali said, referring to both her and Jackson. The women shared a passionate kiss before Ali continued, “I could never have raised Jackson without you. I wouldn’t have been able to play soccer. The person that I am today is literally in existence because you loved me. I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”

“Babe, there is no better version of my life, than the life that I share with you.” Ash replied. “We may have challenges, but I love everything about our family. The only reason I have a family is because of you. You don’t owe me anything. In fact, I owe you everything...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one more chapter after this one. Things are gonna get a little intense.


	15. What Could Have Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of things...
> 
> 1\. This chapter goes from a "present day" perspective where Jackson is 17, to important memories from the past, which are in italics. I don't think there should be any trouble following, but if it is confusing please let me know.
> 
> 2\. Up until this chapter, Ali's ex-husband doesn't speak and isn't named. I did that on purpose. Abusers often take away the voice and identity of their victims. This was my way of doing the same to the abuser. This will be the only chapter where we hear him speak. (There is a reason for that, too.)

Ashlyn lightly knocked on Jackson’s bedroom door and let herself in. She watched him get frustrated with the bow tie he was trying to tie. The 17 year old had become independent in a lot of ways. He was able to get ready on his own after years of patient help from his parents. But on this particular day, everything felt more difficult than usual.

“Let me help you.” Ash offered. She easily knotted and straightened the bow tie, and took a step back. “You look very handsome.” She said and forced a smile.

Ashlyn wore a stylish black suit. She originally planned on wearing a black tie with her black button up dress shirt, but her son picked out a bright red bow tie for her to wear. She wasn’t going to argue. Her main concern was keeping him emotionally stable that day.

“Mama, will Mom like this?” Jackson asked, referring to his outfit.

Ashlyn smiled sadly, holding back tears, and answered, “She’ll love it.”

...

_Ali carried Jackson’s 5 year old, tired body as Ashlyn gave them a tour of her elementary school. The family was visiting Ash’s grandparents and Ashlyn was feeling nostalgic._

_“This is the classroom where I spent most of my days working on learning how to read.” Ashlyn explained._

_Ali and Ash were well aware that their son would have extra challenges in school. Ashlyn wanted to show him that she had a hard time, and that it was ok to be different._

_“It took me longer than the other kids to learn how to read, but I did my best, and I’m proud of the hard work I put into learning.” Ash continued._

_To a stranger it might not look like Jackson was listening, with his head resting on Ali’s shoulder, but in reality he heard every word his mother said. Soon it would be revealed that he had a photographic memory and was at a savant level with numbers and mathematics. The hardest part of learning for him would be figuring out how to communicate what his brain was computing._

_Ashlyn explained that even though school was hard for her, she wanted to go to college so she could play soccer at a higher level. She worked hard both on and off the field to make that happen._

_The next day the family went to the beach. Ali packed a picnic and Ashlyn brought a boogie board for Jackson. With constant supervision, his parents let him “ride” the small waves coming into shore._

_Ashlyn had spent a lot of time teaching him how to swim. She told Ali that in the ocean, Jackson could be like everybody else. She said that everyone was equal, because everyone has to surrender to it’s power and beauty._

_Ali rolled her eyes and doubted that their child, or anyone else for that matter, could ever have the same kind of enchanted connection with the ocean that her wife had._

_While Ash and Jackson were splashing in the water, Ali received a phone call. Ashlyn caught her wife out of the corner of her eye. Ali was pacing back and forth and appeared to be furious._

_Ashlyn stayed away for Jack’s sake. He was having fun. There was no reason to upset him. Ash would soon find out what wrong._

_The conversation took place during Jackson’s nap time._

_“His mother is pressuring him into refusing to give up rights.” Ali explained. Jackson’s biological father had called._

_Ali and Ashlyn had hoped that he would relinquish his rights to Jackson so that Ashlyn could officially adopt him._

_Ali continued, “He doesn’t care about him!” Ali whisper yelled through tears. “You’re the one who has taken care of him! You’re the one who holds him still when he’s upset, or tries to hurt himself! You’re the one who loves him...”_

_Ali was angry and sad. She felt it was an injustice to her son and wife. She was so upset, she couldn’t find any more words._

_“Babe, we’ll get through it. Even if he’s never legally mine, he’ll always be my son.”_

...

Once Ash had parked her Jeep, she walked towards the passenger side to take Jackson’s hand. The two walked with hands connected into the building Ash was dreading. A well-dressed woman met them at the door.

“Can I get either of you anything to drink?” The woman asked.

“Maybe some water.” Ashlyn answered. She quickly asked, “Is there somewhere that he can sit until things get started?”

Jack interrupted and said, “Jackson wants to stay with you.” The teenager squeezed Ashlyn’s hand.

Ash replied, “I think you will be happier sitting in the tv room.”

Ashlyn had previously spoken to the staff on the phone, and explained their special circumstances. The employee she had spoken with said that they had a play room for children with toys, a television, and dvd player. Ashlyn had brought a movie for Jackson to watch.

“No.” Jack replied simply.

“Jackson, this is going to be very hard. I don’t want you to get overwhelmed.” Ash said.

The woman who greeted them said, “We have cookies and other special treats waiting for you. I can show you where it’s at.”

Ashlyn almost burst into tears. The woman must have been prepped before they arrived. She redirected Jackson’s attention, instead of arguing. It worked perfectly. Jack was immediately cooperative and followed her to the special waiting room.

Jack sat in a bean bag chair in the corner of the room and watched the video that Ash had brought. As he chewed on a cookie, Ashlyn kissed the top of his head and said, “Love you. I’ll be back soon.”

Jackson’s eyes never left the screen, but Ash knew he heard her.

Ashlyn followed the woman into the room where Ali was. She felt her heart beating hard in her chest. The woman stayed quiet, letting the moment unfold with emotion and respect.

 Ashlyn ran her hand over the closed casket and broke down.

The woman put her hand on Ash’s shoulder and said, “I’ll give you a minute. I won’t let anyone in until you’re ready.”

Ali’s funeral was a half hour away, and Ashlyn knew she had to hold herself together for Jackson. She told herself that she had thirty minutes to weep, grieve, and fall apart. After that, she needed to be strong.

She needed to be strong for Jackson.

Ashlyn took twenty minutes. She allowed Ali’s family to join her before she left the room to check on her son.

...

_“Mama...”_

_Ashlyn heard a whisper. Ali was away for soccer and there was a thunderstorm after her and Jackson had gone to bed._

_Ashlyn rolled toward the quiet voice._

_“What is it, Jackson?” She mumbled._

_“Jackson is scared.” The boy replied. He had just turned 8 years old._

_Ashlyn asked, “You wanna sleep in Mommy and my bed?”_

_She couldn’t see it, because the room was dark, but the boy nodded his head. She knew her son well enough to know his answer. Ashlyn pulled the blanket down far enough for him to climb underneath._

_After being woken up three different times by his prompting, Ashlyn got an idea. She reached over towards the nightstand and turned on the lamp near her._

_“If you’re ever scared, all you have to do is hold my hand and squeeze. I will squeeze back and give you some of my courage.” Ashlyn said._

_“What if you don’t have enough courage?” Jackson asked._

_Ash smiled and kissed his hand. “I will always have enough for you.”_

_Ever since that day, no matter how old Jackson got, or how scary the situation was, when the boy squeezed Ash’s hand, she always seemed to have enough courage for the both of them._

...

Ashlyn chose to have a closed casket funeral. It was another decision based on Jackson’s emotional and mental well-being. She knew that he understood that Ali had passed away, but the sight of his mother in a casket wasn’t something she wanted his photographic memory to hold on to.

Ali had a short, but courageous, fight against cancer. Her struggle lasted a little over 2 months. It was fast, but allowed enough time for them to plan and try to explain to Jackson what was happening. The boy never was good at expressing certain emotions. Sadness and grief were new to him. Of course, Ashlyn was not immune to these feelings, but she was a mother before anything else.

After Ashlyn checked up on Jackson, she returned to the room where Ali’s family and friends were gathered. Everyone looked to try to comfort her, but all she really wanted was to be back with Jackson. She felt she had an obligation to try to have polite conversation with everyone who wanted a hug, or to offer their condolences.

She saw an unexpected guest approach her. His presence made her want to be with her son more than ever. It was as if Ali was watching over her, because at that moment she felt her son’s hand slip into her own. He had snuck away from his special waiting room to visit her. She returned his hand squeeze and offered him a smile.

He leaned in close to her and whispered, “Jackson is scared.”

Ashlyn didn’t try to apologize to the man witnessing the event. She didn’t need to. Her son was her priority.

“I’m here.” She replied to him. “We can go home soon.” She promised. “If you need me, I’ll be right here.”

Jackson nodded and released his hold of her hand. He kissed her and retreated to the room with the bean bag chair and television.

From a few feet away, Kyle watched protectively as Jackson’s biological father was finally given the opportunity to speak.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” He said.

Ashlyn cleared her throat, trying to fight off a new batch of tears. For some reason Ali’s ex-husband seemed to make her miss Ali even more.

“Thank you.”

The man fidgeted and nervously sighed. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you ever since Ali called me.”

His words got Ashlyn’s attention. She didn’t know her wife had called him.

“She asked me again about giving up my rights to Jackson...” He explained. “At the time...I don’t know...I guess I felt guilty. I had already let him down so much, and now what would it look like if I completely disowned him?”

Ashlyn didn’t say a word.

“I guess a part of me always thought I could make it up to him...and to her.” He said and looked towards Ali. “I messed up.” He said. The man, who Ash used to consider a monster, started to tear up. “I’m glad you were able to make her happy.”

There was a long awkward moment of silence. Ashlyn had to ask, “Why are you telling me this?”

“Jackson is going to need help for the rest of his life.” He answered. “I’m going to help pay for his expenses for as long as I can...even after he turns 18.”

That was a relief. Ashlyn had worried about how she would support him once he was an adult...especially now that Ali was gone.

Ali’s ex-husband continued, “I also talked to my lawyer...” He let out a long shaky breath and said, “I’m ready to let you adopt him.”

Ashlyn’s tears found their way back and the women broke down.

With his own share of crying, the man added, “He’s yours. He has always been yours. I wish I would have figured it out sooner. My lawyer said there is enough time to make things legal before he’s 18.”

Even if it seemed unnecessary now that Jackson was almost a legal adult, it meant the world to Ashlyn to be able to officially adopt him.

...

_Soccer was truly a gift to the Harris-Krieger family. The sport had helped Ashlyn afford college through a scholarship. It brought the couple together, and taught them many life lessons along the way._

_After Ali’s soccer career had ended, the sport brought about another blessing...it was something they never imagined possible._

_“Jackson dribble to Mom.” Ashlyn instructed._

_The parents would have loved to have their 10 year old play on a team. But the game environment and intensity of the competition was too much for Jackson to handle. However, they didn’t let that stop them from teaching him the game that had changed their lives._

_Once a week they would play at a nearby park. The couple would set up cones to dribble around and make a goal to shoot at. Jackson wasn’t the most athletic kid, but he loved learning, and his parents had endless tips and drills for him to learn._

_The boy was shy and awkward with kids his age. His best friends were his parents, and he was more than content with that, but it was during one of his dribbling drills that he met a new friend._

_“Can I play?” A little girl about Jackson’s age asked. She was petite and had two older brothers who were also at the park. “My big brothers won’t let me play. They say I’m too little.”_

_Jackson continued to kick the ball around the cones that Ali had set up for him. He knew that the girl was there, and that she was asking to join him, but it never occurred to him that he should stop and acknowledge her._

_Ali shared a look with her wife. Ashlyn answered with a shrug of her shoulders. They both weren’t sure what would happen, but the girl was too cute to say no to._

_“Jackson, pass the ball to Mama.” Ali instructed._

_Jack kicked the ball with the inside of his foot. The pass was a little off, but Ashlyn trapped it easily._

_Ali gestured for her son to come to her. “Jackson, come here, please.”_

_Ashlyn put her hand on his back and gently guided him in Ali’s direction._

_Ali introduced the girl to her son, “This is Jackson. What’s your name?”_

_“Lucy.” The girl answered._

_Lucy’s big smile made it impossible for Jack not to smile back. His smile was quick and shy, but his parents noticed._

_Ali instructed the children how to play together. The movements were slow and uncoordinated. Lucy was even less athletic than Jackson. It was adorable and absolutely perfect._

_“Bye.” Jackson said and gave a small wave to his new friend when their playing had ended._

_Lucy hugged him quickly before running off to rejoin her brothers. As she ran away she yelled, “Bye, friend!”_

_Ashlyn mouthed the word, “friend” to her wife and raised her eyebrows._

_Once the family had returned home, Ali and Ashlyn helped their son clean up and get ready for bed. After he was tucked in for the night, the women retreated to their room._

_“Our baby has a friend.” Ali said with so much joy in her voice that Ashlyn couldn’t help but smile._

_Ash replied, “It seems that he does.”_

_“She seems like a sweet girl. Did you see him smile at her? I’ve never seen him do that.” Ali was wired. She ended up talking Ashlyn’s ear off the rest of the night._

...

When the day came for the adoption to go through, Jackson proudly held the paper with his name on it and said, “Mama and Jackson have the same name.”

Ash smiled and thanked her wife, who she knew was watching over them, and whispered, “You knew all along.” After pulling out her driver’s license to show Jackson, she raised her voice to a normal volume and said, “We’ve always had the same name. You’ve always been my son.”

She read both names out loud...”Ashlyn Harris-Krieger” and “Jackson Harris Krieger.”

That night, maybe because of the adoption and having to celebrated without Ali, Ashlyn felt a strong feeling of loneliness. She talked to her wife, as she often did at night after Jackson fell asleep.

“Alex, I miss you...All I ever do is miss you. Our boy became legally mine today. And there was nothing more that I wanted to do than to hold you again and celebrate as a family.” Ashlyn shook her head hard and sobbed, “I can’t do this without you, Alex!”

She felt something from her past creep into her mind. “I know I shouldn’t.” She said, still talking to her dead wife. “But I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

The thing that had taken a hold of her was her struggle with alcoholism. She remembered a time when she had to live without Ali. The alcohol dulled the pain. Ashlyn hadn’t given in to her previous addiction, but she didn’t know if she could stay away much longer.

“I’m scared...” She cried.

Ashlyn didn’t expect to hear a real voice reply...but she did.

 “Mama.”

Her son had woken up and had come to check on her. He didn’t say another word until he took her hand in his, squeezed it, and said, “Jackson has enough courage.”

Ashlyn couldn’t say anything in that moment. She grabbed her son and hugged him tightly. Was it Ali who sent him to her in that moment?

“Mom said Jackson has to take care you.” Jack explained. It was in her last moments with him that Ali had asked him to be strong for his Mama.

“She told me to take care of you.” Ashlyn said with a half laugh and half sob.

“You can always hold Jackson's hand, Mama.” Jackson promised.

Ashlyn was ready to fall apart in her son’s arms. She needed a distraction. Ash and Jackson decided to have a late night snack. They shared their favorite memories of Ali over Jack's favorite kind of cookies.

As they talked, both frequently glanced at the extra plate that Ashlyn had set out next to them. It was Ali’s plate. Ash had promised Jack a long time ago that she would always set it out.

The two of them would never have a day where they didn’t think of her.

...

_Ashlyn only knew one sure fire way to shut her wife up. While Ali was going on and on about Jackson’s potential and how amazing their son was, Ashlyn started to undress. It’s not that she didn’t agree with her wife about their son’s amazingness....it was just that Ali had been away for almost two weeks. Ashlyn needed some personal attention. It didn’t take long for Ali’s words to slow down once Ash was completely naked. As Ali took in her wife’s tattooed covered, toned body, she found it harder to breathe...which made it impossible for her to continue speaking._

_“Baby, enough talk.” Ash said. “More action.”_

_Ashlyn pointed at Ali’s shirt and her wife dutifully removed it. She continued to point until each article of clothing had been thrown to the floor._

_Ash laid her wife down on their bed and covered her neck with gentle kisses. Through moans of pleasure, Ali’s voice was heard again. Ashlyn continued to do what she had done thousands of times before._

_The next morning, Ali was the first to wake up. She used her finger to draw patterns on her wife’s bare chest. The intimate touch in the quiet of the morning brought goosebumps to the blonde's naked skin._

_Ali smiled and whispered, “I could watch you sleep all day.”_

_Ashlyn kept her eyes closed and replied, “That’s creepy.”_

_Ali laughed. Her wife had such a way with words in the most intimate of times._

_“Baby...” Ali said. “...you are one of a kind.”_

_With eyes shut, Ashlyn smiled in response._

_Ali lightly tapped her wife’s stomach and said, “Seriously...I love you so much, Ashlyn. You have given me the happiest life I could have ever wanted.”_

_Ash had to open her eyes now. Her wife was being too sweet and romantic for her to ignore. The sight of Ali’s perfect form over her, took her breath away._

_“Ash, do you ever wonder...” Ali searched for the right words before finishing her thought. “Do you ever think about what could have been?”_

_“What do you mean?” Ash asked. She twirled a few strands of Ali’s hair in her fingers while she waited for an answer._

_“Don’t get me wrong.” Ali said, before explaining in more detail what she meant. “I know that we have a good life. But do you ever wonder what your life could have been like if I never complicated it?”_

_Ashlyn gave her wife a confused look, so Ali continued._

_“What if you never loved me? You would probably have had a long and successful soccer career. You wouldn’t have so much responsibility. You have changed your entire life for me and Jackson. I just hope you don’t regret it.”_

_Ashlyn had to sit up. Now it was really time to get serious._

_“Alex, to be honest...” Ashlyn replied. “...sometimes I do think about what could have been. Sometimes my mind drifts and I wonder what my life would be like.”_

_Ali nodded. She wasn’t naive. Of course Ashlyn had some kind of regret, she thought._

_“What could have been?” Ashlyn asked, as if she was wondering out loud. “I used to regret not telling you that I loved you sooner...Or questioning the hundreds of bad decisions I made before we got together...”_

_Ashlyn offered a small smile and gave the most honest answer to her wife that she could, “Every decision that I have made, even the bad ones, have brought me to this moment now. And I could never regret loving you and Jackson. I could never regret any part of this life that we have together.”_

_“What about soccer?” Ali asked. “You could’ve been great, baby. I know you would’ve been great.”_

_“Alex, over all the years that I played competitively, I never enjoyed it as much as I do when I play with you and Little Man. All the trophies in the world couldn’t compare to the joy that I have with you two.”_

_Ashlyn felt moisture on her skin. Ali was crying. Ashlyn put her arms around her and held her tight._

_“Al, what’s this all about?” Ash asked._

_“It’s just...” Ali wiped at her eyes and nose and continued, “I feel so blessed. I feel like I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve Jackson. Why do I get to live this perfect life? If I were to die today, I could say that I’ve had the best life. Even with all the challenges and detours...It’s perfect.” Ali sat straight up so she could look her wife in the eyes. “And it’s all because of you.”_

_“Alex, I feel the same way. What could have been?” Ash scoffed. “What could have been is I could have missed out on the greatest possible life I could have imagined....And I’m living this great life...all because of you.”_

_Ashlyn tenderly kissed her wife and said, “I could never regret **what could have been.** ”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. This story was close to my heart for a number of reasons. One reason in particular, is that I have a brother with special needs. If anything, I hope that this story encourages people to see differences as beautiful, and not be afraid to stand up for themselves and for others. 
> 
> If abuse is something that has touched your life in any way, you know how hard it can be to ask for help. I encourage you to ask for help. It may not feel like it, but there are A LOT of people who want to help.


End file.
